This past I got a probable diagnosis of sarcoidosis. Even though I haven't had a biopsy yet, I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that I probably have this. I have read on the mayo clinic website that one possible cause could be genetic. Since my Mom has this and my aunt on my Dad's side also has it, I feel it's a given that I probably do too.
This unknown disease that I don't know much about, that is rare, usually hits African-American's. How in the world did I get it? Or any of my relatives for that manner.
Could it be that I don't really have asthma but sarcoidosis all these years? What about my bronchitis that I've had off and on too? Did it affect it? Was it in a dormant state and now just decided to pop up?
The past few months I've been trying to eat healthily, so I could get off some of the medications I've been on. So now what, will I be trading one set of drugs for another? But I will continue to lose weight, 18 pounds so far, because it's more important than ever.
Then I think about how God may be preparing me for all this. First Rick get MS then Mom with leukemia. Am I being sifted? Am I being tested? Because I really feel that I am.
Thenwe have a situation in my family where people are upset and angry. I just wish they would all except people for what they are and go on.
The past is the past, let stay in the past. And go on with life. Be grateful for the relationships that you have.
Then we have our presidential election, where Obama is for socialized medicine. You know Obama and socialized medicine scare me. I have never liked Obama. He doesn't stand for many things that I hold important. Quite frankly the man scares me.
Sigh.....and after all the questions and going thru this thick fog there is God. Knowing what is happening, knowing what I'm going through. Knowing how I feel . Knowing he'll lead me in the right direction and send the right doctors my way. I'll know I'll be safe because.... God is still in Control.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Well, I'm sitting back in the computer room biding my time. Staying away from the kitchen because I can't have anything to eat or drink at least not until 11 or hopefully before that. My cat scan is scheduled for 9:30. At least I'll be leaving in 30 minutes.
Waiting....maybe this is why God has hooked me up with kids that tested my patience. Because I'm going to need patience in the next several days, at least until I find out my results.
But in all honesty, I really don't believe that I have cancer. When all this mess started I had gone on a field trip and got soaked. The doctor believes its viral but to be certain a CT scan has to be done. And with my family's history I'd rather be safe than sorry.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Today seems very strange. I have a doctors appointment and will not be going to school/work today. I feel very relieved because finally after 4 months I will be on the road to getting my "normal" voice back. This has been very frustrating especially at work. Trying to get the kids attention with my voice, they just don't hear me. My only concern is that what if this is more serious than I think. Cancer is on both sides of my family so it's a niggling thought in the back of my mind.
Justin my student asked me when I told him I wouldn't be there today said," But who's going to take care of me?" and "Are you coming back?" He is so cute, but trying sometimes. I'm hoping he'll be good for the sub and not try her patience too much.
Also I have lost 11 pounds in almost 6 weeks. So the next 10 pounds is my next goal. I needed to cancel my dietitian appointment because my insurance won't cover and I can't afford to continue to go to her. My doctor knows so I'm pretty sure he'll understand.
I've gone to weight watchers for many years and have put those ideals into practice. I might return, but not right now. I think that I've gone for so many years that I just want to say hey I did it but with a little more help. So maybe this will take the place of the dietitian but, I have 3 online support groups that I belong to so...
Also, another change is that after bowling with my in laws for 17 years we have quit. They raised the bowling fees $10 a week to establish a bigger pot at the end of the year. We just can't afford that so we quit. It wasn't a nice situation. I'm actually looking forward to my Sunday's free. When we go to visit my parents we won't need to hurry back. So that will be nice.
Bobbie will be the next big change. He isn't a happy dogger so eventually we will need to put him asleep. We'll miss him terribly but we have given him alot of love that was returned.
Changes some good, some bad and painful but they are a part of life.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
As I read some my past e-mails some have filled me with a great sadness. Most if not all my sadness is over the fact that my 2 uncles are at odds along with my cousin.
My Mom's youngest brother got sort of married last Sunday. What I mean by sort of is his fiance's divorce was not final so even though they exchanged vows, they were not officially married. So I've dubbed it "the wedding that wasn't." The ceremony was very beautiful the minister talked about salt and by blending the 2 together you can not tell who's salt was who's, and for the first time in my memory I have seen my uncle happy. They also dedicated the day to my parents who were also married there almost 49 years ago.
It was very emotional when my uncle realized that his brother wasn't there. He had cried, which in turn made both me and my mother cry.
My cousin, my uncle's son was there but he really didn't want to be. And you could tell...he didn't sit with his family. Instead he sat apart. At first I was happy that he was there, but as things progressed I had really wished he had stayed home along with his sister. His attitude and that of his wife made me upset and actually angry.
I am also concerned about my 2 uncle's relationship. I am very afraid this could do permanent damage.
I remember all the past Christmas' and all the happy times we all had...it seems like they are dying.
My grandmother would have gone, she might not of liked the way it was being done but she still would have been there and had a happy joyous spirit.
My Grandmother was the peacekeeper. She always wanted people to be happy, sometimes at the expense of herself. She wouldn't like this.
I want to speak out and say you only have 1 life. You only have 1 brother left and only 1 father. Life is way too short.....But instead I stay silent...
You know I don't agree to the way this all happened, I do wish that they had delayed it until the divorce was final. I don't like the way my uncle has lived his life in the past, but I still love him and try not to judge.
Why can't the rest of the family do this, not judge.
I just pray the God intervenes in all this.