Dawnarie

Checking In

2009-11-07T11:27:00.000-06:00

I have realized that I haven't posted on my blogger for quite awhile. Summer has been here and gone and now we are going thru fall and heading into winter. I know that things will speed up quite a bit and before we know it we'll be celebrating New Year's.

I have been advocating for people to pray for Sydney Ives. She has had an incurable, inoperable brain tumor for the past year and half and she is living in her last hours. She has had a very strong faith and has been a bright light in this very dark world. I can't imagine the pain that her family is going thru as of this moment. To lose a family member is hard enough but a child....the pain would be incredible. So please pray for this family and the wonderful little girl.
My life has been easier although my breathing isn't what it should be. I have a resilient infection that has taken several antibiotics to knock it out. I'm on a several inhalers, including one that I take with a nebulizer. My steriod has been upped back to 20 mg. Which I know isn't bad but I would prefer not to be on any.
I depend on God for my everything. Since being diagnosed with an incurable cancer I have to depend on God because who else is there.
I'm back at work but even that isn't without it's problems. I started with full time but realized if I was going to get better I needed to go part time. The only problem with that is I have to use a half day sick day to make up the rest of the day. This is according to the Family and Medical Leave Act that I'm on. I'm praying that I'll get better or a part time position comes open so I don't lose all my sick days. But I love my job.
I do wish at times I was closer that I worked in a library, that I breathed normally, the list goes on and on. But I'm not where I used to be but I'm not where I want to be. :-)
I do post on another site regularly.... www.caringbridge.org/visit/dawnarie4
God's Peace, Dawn

Moving

2009-03-03T10:46:00.003-06:00

Last night Rick finally got moved completely out of the house in Rochelle. Not without quite a bit of drama. Barb, Rick's ex-girlfriend refused to let Buddy or Christie, Rick's new girlfriend, help him move, by coming into the house. Rick would carry things to the door and Buddy and Christie would carry them the rest of the way out. I don't know what she said or did but it got to the point where Rick wanted to hit her. Now we taught both boys never hit a girl and Rick didn't hit Barb but it must pretty bad.
Buddy did go into the house and he did help Rick move the heavier things regardless of what Barb said or wanted. Buddy never said anything negative to her just smiled at her.
But all this causes me to wonder...Barb has absolutely no idea that she is playing into the devil's hands. He's there laughing at her!
That makes me very sad. That she doesn't know the loving God that is waiting there for her.
But the good thing is that Rick is out of that situation. He no longer has to deal with the stress that Barb causes. Stress that can be very harmful to him. That I'm very grateful for.

Graduation Day (my last radiation treatment0

2009-02-27T17:30:00.003-06:00

Well today was my last treatment. I must say that I glad that this stage of my life is over. I'm looking forward to a breather, to get healthy and get to know God more. In six weeks we'll know for certain if the cancer is gone. That is when I go in for my CT Scan and blood work. I'm breathing a lot better and feel a lot better. So know matter what this was a good thing. The people on the Welcome picture are Carla radiation tech, me, Amy a radiation tech and Dr. Bhati my radiation oncologist. These were wonderful people and I will truly miss seeing them everyday. Unfortunately the graduation certificate that I recieved was too big to post. :-( I'm so lucky. They told me that I didn't have the strong side affects they thought I would have. I really believe that is do to all the prays that have been said on my behalf. Thank you to all of you. I'm keeping up my caring bridge in hopes that I raise hopes in someone else. In everything keep a positive attitude. God's Peace, Dawn
I find you waiting by Decemberadio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4nRamM8Rms&feature=channel_page

Treatments last week

2009-02-24T09:53:00.002-06:00

I have realized that I haven't been keeping up with my blog. I guess at times I just didn't have the energy needed to keep up with 2. My other website http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dawnarie4 I posted more often 2 or 3 times a week.
Well, this experience has taught me a lot about myself and my walk with God. I always thought that my faith was strong but I have realized that I really needed to stay in God's word. There were times of depression were I started wondering "what if, I don't want to die and etc." Very negative and could have been destructive. But I found a peace when I opened my Bible and read the words that God wanted me to see.
Now it's my last week. Today is my last day of chemo and radiation, then I'll have 3 more radiation days. I'm still uncertain on how I feel about all of this. I'm elated that I'm almost done. I won't have to be "zapped" anymore. But my type of cancer is how can I put it, annoying. It can come back. In fact it has a history of returning. But last month I prayed for God to heal me and I felt a warmth from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I believe God healed me. I have always said this will be all for God's Glory.
I want everyone to know God's love. God loves all of us. He can't help but love us. All the evil in this world is not from him. I wish all people knew this.
So instead of wondering the "what if's" I'm praising God. He got me thru cancer treatments!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMCR4p5mSjQ&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GPpx9oINsI&feature=channel_page

First Treatment

2009-01-06T10:07:00.001-06:00

Today I go for my first treatment. I can say that I'm feeling ok.
Yesterday when we got back home I started focusing on something I saw in one of my reports. It was a negative thing and it started to upset me,made me doubt and it was taking away my peace.
I prayed, 'God I know your with me but, I really need some help here.'
That's when I got out my Bible's and my book, Battlefield of the Mind and started reading.
I re-read and looked up verses I had highlighted and highlighted them in my Bibles. The reason I say Bible's is I have a few in different translations but this time I used my NIV and my New King James Version that is amplified.
As I kept reading the verses I started feeling better and the doubt and fear went away.
Today I have my CD's going so I am hearing positive words.
I know things will work out because God is here and he has a plan. I am just along for the ride.
God's peace,
Dawn
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it come or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and he [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
1 Corinthians 10:13

Follow up appointment

2009-01-02T18:42:00.002-06:00

Today we had a follow up appointment with Dr. Warren at Rush University Hospital. My Mom and Dad went with us with Daddy driving.
We left extra early to factor in traffic because we would be in the middle of rush hour. Well, needless to say, there really wasn't any traffic. We got to Rush in a hour 15 minutes so we were there in plenty of time for my 9 o'clock appointment.
We had a lot of good news from Dr. Warren. He told us that the tumor wasn't all the big. The reason for not putting in a stint was because it wasn't necessary. He took off the tumor and widened the trachea. He said he may need to do that again or he may not.
So my question that I have in my mind is: Was the tumor always not very big or was it bigger and something happened to make it shrink, like God?
I want to think that God shrunk it. It was my prayer and many others.
Radiation on the inside would be something he would perform. He said it would be very simple to take down the shoot and zap the tumor from the inside.
But the other members of the team want to start from the outside.
Also about my voice. He told me that there is a very non-evasive procedure that an ENT can do that wouldn't take surgery to do. They would move my vocal cord more in the center. From the outside with a needle. We would try to do this if my voice was strained all the time.
These 2 procedures may be in the future.
On Monday I'll get blocked/ tattooed and Dr. Bhate will tell us the plan for the treatments.
Probably on Tuesday I'll start both Chemo and Radiation. Chemo will be once a week and Radiation will be 5 days a week.
So this was a great day, we got great news and didn't drive in rush hour traffic.
So we are ending this year with Good feelings and starting next year with those same Good feelings.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' Psalm 91: 1,2

Santa and Sarah

2008-12-21T16:47:00.002-06:00

Santa and Sarah

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at the Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl.

"Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend? Your sister?'"

"Yes, Santa,' he replied. "My sister, Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly.

Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue."She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!" the child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.

When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted.

"What is it?" Santa asked warmly.

"Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but.." the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors.

"The girl in the photograph... my granddaughter well, you see ... she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa, any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for, for Christmas, is to see Santa."

Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "This is the least I can do."

When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital.

"Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day.

"C'mon.....I'll take you there." Rick said softly. Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa..

They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall.

Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed.

The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. And another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with a weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah.

Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, ho, ho!"

"Santa!" shrieked little Sarah weakly, as she tried to escape her bed to run to him, IV tubes intact.

Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug. A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room.

As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "Thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year.

As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.

"Oh, yes, Santa... I do!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch over you." he said. Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing, softly, "Silent Night, Holy Night.... all is calm, all is bright..."

"The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all.

When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own. "Now, Sarah," he said authoritatively, "you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at Mayfair Mall this time next year!"

He knew it was risky proclaiming that to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.

"Yes, Santa!" Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright. He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room.

Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed.

Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.

"My only child is the same age as Sarah," he explained quietly. "This is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him.

One year later, Santa Mark was again back on the set in Milwaukee for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap.

"Hi, Santa! Remember me?!"

"Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her. After all, the secret to being a "good" Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment.

"You came to see me in the hospital last year!"

Santa's jaw dropped. Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest. "Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her, for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.

That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus.

He had witnessed --and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope.. This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas!"

If you believe in miracles you will pass this on...I did!

Why Me? Uggg!

2008-12-21T13:17:00.002-06:00

The last couple of days I've been going thru the 'why me' stage. I have been wondering why I have been blessed to have cancer and especially a rare one. Why not one that has a cure, or one where they can operate have chemo and radiation and it's gone. But no I've got one that has no cure and comes back.
It's tough to 'Oh well' this.
I've been reading again the Mitford series by Jan Karon where the main character is an Episcopalian priest. I love this series. Something that Father Tim says in the book I'm reading is, 'Like it or lump it, nothing happened to a Child of God by accident, and scripture inarguably proved that out.' Father Timothy, These High, Green Hills by Jan Karon.
So this all wasn't an accident. God knew this would happen. I feel it was to deepen my faith in God and depend on him. Which both have happened. Also to affect the lives of the people around us.
Also, a friend of ours stopped by to see us. His wife has MS and now her right arm is the only thing she can move. She is home bound in her bed. So sad for one so intelligent and active to have this happen to.
So when I think of her, my pity parties don't last long.
And my positive attitude gets back into place. :-)
I know dwelling on the negative is going to get me no where. So I read God's promises and believe that this cancer will not come back and that it will go away and stay away. It will be for the Glory of God!
I thought I would explain some of the pictures that I have on here this time.
This first is of Bobbie getting blessed this year by Pastor Kirk. Just a month or so before we put him to sleep. The 2nd one is of the bridge, I really think this depicts everyone's life journey because we don't know what the future holds. That's why we need to depend on God. The 3rd is a gift that Pastor Michelle sent me very recently of a prayer shawl. Isn't it pretty.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Day after Surgery

2008-12-19T10:35:00.002-06:00

My laser surgery went pretty well. I don't know if I would like to do it again but if it gets rid of a tumor I really don't have any choice.
We were able to take a shuttle back and forth from the hotel to Rush so that was nice.
Things seemed to go really fast.
I guess my main complaint after surgery is that my mouth was really dry and I couldn't really talk to tell them that I would like to have ice chips.
My chest hurt too but that probably was combination of me coughing and the laser surgery.
We were able to leave the same day so we missed driving in the snow and sleet. We left about 3 and got home about 4:40. I slept most of the way home that was after we got on Rt 88. Woke up outside Waterman. I also had a really bad headache when I got home so took some ibuporfen and slept for about an hour. Woke up without the headache.
I can say that I'm feel like I'm breathing better. At least I think I am. I'll have to see when I go up and down the stairs in a few days.
I did eat a popsicle last night and I'm sipping tea this morning.
The thing that hurts today is my throat and my chest and that really isn't that bad. My throat hurt worse yesterday. I've been taking ibuprofen so that helps. They gave me a prescription for pain pills but we didn't fill it. I don't think it's necessary.
Right now I'm kind of tired but that's ok.
There were some differences between Kish and Rush. When I had the bronchoscopy at Kish they numbed the back of the throat. They didn't at Rush. At least I don't think so. I was out before I got to the operating room. I was alone during recovery, they told me that would be for 45 minutes but it may have been longer. At Kish they let Buddy come back when I got back.
The one thing I remember was during recovery there was a little boy crying. I felt badly for him. They had all the beds facing the wall so you couldn't look at anyone. The little one was gone by the time I was able to sit up.
If I had to choose between the 2 I liked Kish better. I had a better experience. The people at both places were nice and compassionate but I just didn't like being separated from Buddy that long. But I probably shouldn't compare.
So that's how I am. Not really that bad. I've felt worse having bronchitus.

Have fun in the snow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIFOPWHjA6c
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.
~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

2008-12-17T13:20:00.004-06:00

Ok, today I'm impatiently waiting on my phone call. You know the one's you get to confirm your appointment. They said that they would call to tell me what to bring and not to bring. I have looked at the website I have the list of things to bring all packed and ready to go. I just wish they would call!
There is so much riding on tomorrow. More than they have said. I feel he is going to be able to do more than just burning the tumor off/down.
At least that is my prayer. I'm also praying that he will get in and see that it's all gone! That I have no more cancer. Prayers are needed for today and tomorrow.
Today we are driving into Chicago which may be fun. :-)
Tomorrow for me and Buddy but also my parents and everyone else. Mom and Daddy are going to try to come up tomorrow if the weather is ok.
My one sister in law wants the cancer taken out and to fix me. Buddy's told her that there is only one person that can do that.
God is our healer. He can do anything exceedingly abundantly! He is omnipresent and omnipotent!
He is the one I trust and love!

Rush University Hospital

2008-12-12T07:42:00.003-06:00

We yesterday Buddy, Mom, Daddy and I went to Rush for my appointment. We were hopeful that we would get some kind of new information and hopefully surgery.
We saw quite a few doctors the first was Dr. Mohamed Farhat. We think he was a physician's assistant but he was a MD. He took looked at my medical history and asked me when all my symptoms started. Fortunately I had things all written down, Buddy suggested this which I thank him for, so I wouldn't need to talk so much.
We then saw Dr. Warren who we discovered was the surgeon. Up till this point we had never met with a surgeon. He told us that we had some options but surgery wasn't possible. But....there are some options. He told us that he could go in with a bronchoscope and burn the tumor down in the windpipe. This will not get rid of the cancer but, it would get airflow back into the right lung. They are afraid that if we don't get movement back into the right lung, secretions could build up. The right lung could get infected. I could develop pneumonia and possibly die.
He also said he may do some other things maybe not this time but another time. He doesn't know exactly what he'll find. He said the scans, CT and Pet are like an aerial view of the area.
So next Thursday,the 18th, we will be going to Rush and I'll be having my tumor burned off.
He did say that with my voice that the tumor or something was pinching the nerve to the vocal cords. He said there were things they could do to strengthen it. I won't be able to sing in the choir and it may never be the same tone. But it would help it a lot. But who knows, with God all things are possible. :-)
He was very nice, very informative and we really liked him.
We then saw Dr. Bonomi the medical oncologist. He agreed with burning the tumor. He talked of a C Kit mutation and a drug called cleevec to control the windpipe, nodules. I'm not certain about all that. I'll have to research that more.
Oh, and we saw a Dr. Kazi the psychologist. She was very nice. Asked about how I was feeling and doing with all of this. She was happy that I had a strong faith and such a strong network of support. She said not many people were as upbeat and positive as I have been at this stage of the process. She told us if we needed any help to contact her.
All 4 doctors were very nice, informative and gave very positive encouragement.
They said since I was so young being diagnosed that my prognosis is very good and that I could live a long a healthy life. The surgeon asked me what grade I taught and I said 1st and he said God bless you. Then Mom said that I was an assistant with special needs child and then he said that we need to get you back to work.
Also they all said I didn't look my age and that I couldn't have kids 28 and 24. So that helped my ego a lot. But Mom and Daddy have never looked their age either.
Please e-mail me if you would like. I love getting e-mails. I always did love getting mail. :-)
God is such a good God. He has sent us so many wonderful doctors and staff. He really is with us and he really does love all of us. This is all for his glory!

2008-12-11T07:11:00.002-06:00

It's been a month ago today that I've been diagnosed with ACC. It's been a rollercoaster ride so far, or maybe bumper cars would be a better carnival ride to describe this. But thru all of this I've depended on God for my everything. I'm still here, he's brought us wonderful doctors and people to help us. We are going to Rush today. There is a doctor who thinks he can do surgery. At first I didn't want this because I was afraid to lose my voice. Although I still don't want to lose my voice, I don't want to lose my life more. So if surgery is possible that's the route I will want to go. I'll still need to do Chemotherapy and Radiation but surgery is something else I want.
God is in control, he knows whats going on and he loves me.

I recently got an e-mail from a friend of mine who now lives in the state of Washington. I thought it was so good I would post it here too. Oh and the picture is of my littlest great nephew Jacob. Isn't he cute.

Baby's Hug ~
> We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik

> in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking.

> Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, 'Hi.' He pounded his fat
> baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter

> and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and
> giggled with merriment.
>
> I looked around and saw the source of his merri ment. It was a man
> whose pants were baggy with a zipper at hal f-mast and his toes poked

> out of would-be shoes His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed
> and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his

> nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.
>
> We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His
> hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. 'Hi there, baby; hi there,
> big boy. I see ya, buster,' the man said to Erik.
>
> My husband and I exchanged looks, 'What do we do?'
>
> Erik continued to laugh and answer, 'Hi.'
>
> Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the
> man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby.
> Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, 'Do ya

> patty cake ? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo.'
>
> Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk.
>
> My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence; all except for

> Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row

> bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.
>
> We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband
> went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The

> old man sat poised between me and the door. 'Lord, just let me out of

> here before he speaks to me or Erik,' I prayed. As I drew closer to
> the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he

> might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with
> both arms in a baby's 'pick-me-up' position. Before I could stop him,

> Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man.
>
> Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated
> their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and
> submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The
> man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged

> hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby's bottom
> and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so
> short a time.
>
> I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms
> and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm
> commanding voice, 'You take care of this baby.'
>
> Somehow I managed, 'I will,' from a throat that contained a stone.
>
> He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he
> were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, 'God bless you,
> ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift.'
>
> I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I
> ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding

> Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, 'My God, my God, forgive me.'
>
> I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a
> tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a
> soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who
> was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking, 'Are

> you willing to share your son for a moment?' when He shared His for
> all eternity.
>
> The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, 'To enter the
> Kingdom of God , we must become as little children.'
>
> If this has blessed you, please bless others by sending it on.
> Sometimes, it takes a child to remind us of what is really important.

> We must always remember who we are, where we came from and, most
> importantly, how we feel about others. The clothes on your back or the

> car that you drive or the house that you live in does not define you
> at all; it is how you treat your fellow man that identifies who you
> are.
>
> This one is a keeper.
>
> 'It is better to be liked for the true you, than to be loved for who

> people think you are......

Christmas

2008-12-09T19:17:00.003-06:00

Christmas is a magical time of year. It was also my Grandmother's favorite holiday. She always made Christmas Special for me. We always went Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve for that last present for either Uncle John or Bruce. Later when everyone arrived we would go to the Candle Light service. I have found out that if I don't go to this service Christmas just isn't Christmas for me. We come back eat and then open presents. In later years we made home made ice cream with Grandma's home made chocolate sauce. She made the Jesus' Birthday cake Which was a round chocolate cake with white icing. 12 red candles and evergreens that surrounded it. We would tell what each thing stood for. Chocolate cake stands for our sins, White icing is Christ's purity that covers our sins. The cake is round because a circle is never-ending. 12 candles for 12 months of the year they were red for Jesus' blood that was shed for us. Evergreens stand for everlasting life. We would lite the candles and we sang happy birthday to Jesus. The next day was Christmas and we would go to my other Grandparents and celebrate all over again. Playing out on the farm, taking walks with the aunts and cousins. Having Grandma's home made rolls and lets not forget the scalloped oysters. :-)
I've realized a long time ago it was family that made things special. I guess if I was spoiled in anyway growing up was the fact that I always saw my grandparents and aunts and uncles every week. Most of my aunts and uncles were still in school when I was a baby. So I got a lot of attention and they always made me feel special and every holiday was extra special.
Family, after God, is the most important thing to me. It's God and my family that I run to when I'm hurting. I've thanked God over and over so I want to thank my family for all their love, support and prayers.
I love you!
Dawn

A Change in Plans

2008-12-05T18:53:00.002-06:00

Ok I waited until today to send this because I didn't have an appointment. Yesterday I got a phone call from Dr. Bhate, the radiology oncologist. She was talking to one of her colleagues about me from Rush University Hospital and thought he might be able to do surgery on my trachea. This would mean, I think, less radiation and less chemo. Anything I've read if surgery is possible to go for it.
So next Thurs. the 11th Buddy, I, Mom and Daddy are going to Rush. I'm kind of excited and more hopeful. But if they can't operate that's ok, we'll go back to square one. I know God is here and his plan is there, I'm just going along for the ride. :-)
So pray for a beautiful day, no snow, not much traffic, good directions etc. and that God leads the doctors to where they need to go.
Love to you all,
Buddy and Dawn

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.

~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

A Plan

2008-12-01T19:19:00.003-06:00

We saw my oncologist today and we have a game plan. The doctor's feel that this did not originate in my salivary glands but in my trachea. It's still rare and still no cure. I'll be having chemotherapy treatments along with radiation treatments. Chemotherapy drug that he wants to try doesn't have the strong side effects like some of the others. We read some research online and he also knew that combining chemo and radiation therapy together is a good way to start. He doesn't just want to temporarily get rid of it, he wants to cure it. He also talked of proton or nutron therapy but I would need to go out of state for it and plus the money involved would be huge. So that right now that isn't really an option I want to try. I'm done with work until this is all over with. I'm becoming more and more out of breath. Just finishing making my bed yesterday I got a little bit winded, very frustrating. I'm scared to start this and anxious to get it started. It's the reality...I've been able to hide from it up till now. Now it's hitting me square in the face. I'll be depending on my faith in God more so now than ever. Depending on friends and family also. Some people have asked what they can do for me. I've just said pray, I know it seems so little but it does so much good and really prayer is the best thing for us. I will keep you all informed on what is going on.

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.

~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

What we found out at Mayo Clinic

2008-11-28T12:33:00.002-06:00

We learned a lot from going to the Mayo Clinic but I need to back track to Tuesday. On Tuesday we left the clinic with heavy hearts. We were told of 2 options that could happen. One that the "hot spots" in my back could be that my cancer had gone down into my back. Which meant they would send me home and they would throw anything they could at me. I had remembered that my ex-father in law had bone cancer. He was in terrible pain. That was something that I didn't want to go thru and scared of it.
The second thing was if the cancer hadn't traveled down my back then for the best chance at saving my life was to stay there, have a re-sectioning of my trachea and have powerful radiation. Over the course of 7 weeks. We could stay at the Mayo Clinic for free. Wasn't the best option but if they could save my life..... but it would take us totally away from our support system.
They needed an MRI done of my back so they could see what was going on there. I had that done Tuesday night.
The MRI went well. I found out that I'm not claustrophobic. :-) The background sound, sounded like an antique engine so that made me feel relaxed. Buddy's family collects antique engines so it was a sound I was familiar with. I concentrated on that noise as much as I could, prayed and thought of uplifting songs that I know.
Yesterday our appointment was with another oncologist. We found out what they felt was needed.
We really liked the doctor. He was very through all in his exam and took a lot of time with us explaining things and going thru everything.
He told us that in my back I have a benign stress fracture. It will need to be monitored. There is no need of a biopsy. When he showed us on the scan the section in question. It wasn't shaped in the nice square shape like it's suppose to.
Because there is so much of my esophagus involved surgery isn't an option. Your esophagus/windpipe goes down and splits into 2. One side goes to the right lung the other the left lung. My esophagus as you go down there is a lining that grows thicker and thicker to the point at when it gets to the right lung it's almost closed. So I've been operating on almost 1 lung. So I will need to undergo not chemotherapy but very strong radiation. They need to be careful because my spine is directly behind the esophagus and won't take a lot of radiation. So they will angle is out slightly. Radiation will be everyday for 6 weeks or longer. They may take a break in between in case I need a break. The side effects of radiation are esophagealtitus (sp?) sore throat, and fatigue. The other thing the oncologist told us is that the cancer may come back.
So although this wasn't the best news it was much better news.
I don't need to be concerned right now about my back. I am losing weight, my choice, on my own, with no medication. I've lost 32 pounds so far. I'm going to start doing yoga exercises and tai chi to strengthen my stomach muscles. That will help my back.
I won't have surgery, nor will I be having my treatments at Mayo Clinic. That was the other thing he told us. That my treatments can be done down here. So we'll be home with family and friends. That sounded wonderful to Buddy and I.
Thru all this time we've been depending on God to get us thru. Even tho we know that there are worse things I'll need to endure we know that God is with us holding our hands. We were showed that Tuesday with all the signs that we saw.
We go to see my oncologist Monday and will probably will start the radiation soon.
Thank you for all the support and prayers. We have really needed them and continue to need them.
We will stay in touch.
Love to you all,
Dawn and Buddy

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.

~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

One down and three to go

2008-11-24T20:49:00.000-06:00

Well, we went to our 1st appoinment at Mayo's. We found out a few things that we didn't know before.
One is that they think I've had this cancer for awhile two, there are 2 hot spots that showed the PET scan. They need to find out if these two places are cancerous if so that means the cancer has grown past my chest cavity. How does that affect me? They can find this out by either a MRI or a bone marrow biopsy. I'll be doing that in DeKalb. Also my lymph nodes have enlarged to the point that my right side isn't getting much air. Gee no wonder I've been getting winded.
I have registered for research, so that they can learn more about my type of cancer and help someone else.
We will be here tomorrow, and Wednesday. I have a breathing treatment and see a radiation onocologist tomorrow. Weds. we see a medical onocologist. They say that I will need radiation along with chemotherapy.
Buddy has said that we are leaving on Weds. no matter what. We won't be here for Thanksgiving! We want to be with family.
I saw a pulmonary doctor today, we had wondered about that. Instead of sending me directly to an onocologist. We thought that probably we had to go thru the channels and needed to see the pulmonary doctor first. Get this doctor on board.
Anyway, this what we know so far. This wasn't the best news we could have gotten. It's still a slow growing cancer, but now how long have I had it?
I still trust God. He is in control of all of this. He will never leave me and my family. I firmly believe this. I'll stay in touch.
~hugs~,
Dawn and Buddy

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.
~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

The setting in of reality.

2008-11-24T01:34:00.003-06:00

It's 1:30 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I've been up a couple of times but just to go to the bathroom and go back to bed but, this time I just couldn't go back to sleep.
I guess it's just the unknown. I'm apprehensive. I don't know what this looks like, Mayo Clinic. But I can remedy that with a couple of clicks of the mouse. I've always been one that if I had a "new" place to go to I'd go there first and then I'd feel secure. I know I'm secure because God has sent me here.
No, lets be honest. I know that after this appointment I'll start chemotherapy. It doesn't scare me but once again it's an unknown. I know what it did to my grandmother, the bad, and the good. The fact that she went into remission at least 3 times. So we had her for awhile longer. I'm consentrating on the good. I've been concentrating on the good since the very beginning. I guess also when the chemo starts reality of all this will set in for me.
Everything has been about the same except with going to different doctors. Now there will be another change.
I think that's what is bothering me the most....reality...it's setting in. I said I was in for the fight of my life. Now the fighting starts. God please give me your strength to do this.

A bit of good news!

2008-11-18T07:01:00.002-06:00

It's so nice to write a bit of good news for a change. :-)
The results of the PET scan were somewhat positive. My onocologist, Dr Siddiqui originally felt that my cancer was a fast grade cancer. In possibly stage 4 with a 38% survival rate this is what I figured out. He did not tell me this. After getting the results he feels that it may a slow grade cancer in a much lower stage. The only negative was the fact that I have metal fillings in my mouth so, on the PET scan my mouth glowed. :-)
That is also the area he really wanted to see. So going to Mayo is even more important.
So far the treatment that we discussed was chemotherapy with an alternative medicine.
So things look a lot rosier than before. He did say that fast grade cancers can also look like this, but rarely. So I'm keeping that fact in the back of my mind but focusing on slow- grade and a longer life.
We, my family left the doctors office smiling instead of crying and that was a good thing.
Now I'm looking at catalogs for wigs and other things I will probably need.
I'll start some kind of treatment when we return from Mayo Clinic. So far I got poked twice today, for a flu and pneumonia shots.
I also walked out with some catalogs for wigs and all that. Because with chemotherapy I will lose my hair. I told Mom that it would probably grow back in white and straight! :-) I do have a couple that I like and the catalog with from the American Cancer Society.
I am very hopeful that I'll be able to sing and talk normally yet!

I then shall live

2008-11-17T08:57:00.002-06:00

I then shall live as one who's been forgiven.
I'll walk with joy to know my debts are paid.
I know my name is clear before my Father;
I am His child and I am not afraid.
So, greatly pardoned, I'll forgive my brother;
The law of love I gladly will obey.

I then shall live as one who's learned compassion.
I've been so loved, that I'll risk loving too.
I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges;
I'll dare to see another's point of view.
And when relationships demand commitment,
Then I'll be there to care and follow through.

Your Kingdom come around and through and in me;
Your power and glory, let them shine through me.
Your Hallowed Name, O may I bear with honor,
And may Your living Kingdom come in me.
The Bread of Life, O may I share with honor,
And may You feed a hungry world through me.

Amen, Amen, Amen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxyBMQJuTuc

Correct this lyrics - View history

Video Ernie Haase & SSQ + Gaither Vocal Band - I Then Shall Live

Cancer

2008-11-17T08:15:00.004-06:00

You know in my life I knew that I would need to deal with my heart problems and asthma problems. I have high blood pressure that I have inherited from my Dad's side of the family and also caused by being overweight. I felt that, that was all I would be dealing with and fighting. Cancer, well that is a foreign disease that maybe I would need to deal with later in life.
So, having a diagnosis of "adenoid cystic carcinoma" and possible life time left of 4 years, come on, get real.
But....I have been given diagnosis. I needed to regroup and refocus.
No way am I going to live just 4 more years! I have sons that are not married yet. I want to see them get married. I want to see my Grandkids be born and be Grandma.
I want to grow old with my husband. I want to see the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans. I know I have a lot of "I wants" but more than anything I want to live and grow old.
I have grown up believing that God is bigger than anything here on Earth and I believe that. So...in my mind I will see all the things and more that I have listed because, Jesus said, "By my stripes you are healed." And I believe that. So bring on the rain because it's going to bring God the Glory!

Jesus Loves Me

2008-11-16T18:21:00.003-06:00

You know when I was little I sang this song in front of the residents at a nursing home. I'm not sure if this was a dream or if it's true. But I sure remember it as if it was the truth. I just needed to post the words and the song sang by the Gaither Vocal Band.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMCR4p5mSjQ
You will need to copy and paste. I've got to figure out how to put a video on here.
Jesus, He loves me
This I know
And Jesus, He loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Son of God
A Savior and King
You've taken away the sins of the world
So I raise my voice and sing

Jesus, He loves me
This I know
And Jesus, He loves me
For the Bible tells me so

Now I've held the hand of the devil
At the crossroads of my faith
And my Lord He came to rescue me
By His saving grace

And Jesus, He loves me
And this, I know
Jesus, He loves me
And you know He saved my soul

Jesus, He loves me
Jesus, He loves me
Jesus, He loves me

Jesus, Bring The Rain

2008-11-14T22:04:00.002-06:00

"Bring The Rain" By Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU&feature=related

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.

~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

Find you Waiting

2008-11-09T19:01:00.002-06:00

DecembeRadio has a song called "Find you waiting" I find it running thru my mind quite a bit this past weekend. These are the lyrics to this wonderful song.

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold onto
I am yours, and Lord you are mine

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need a friend
And I find you waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And Lord I'm reminded what I was weary
You carried me, yes you carried me

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting there.....

BRIDGE
In the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, no never alone

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent straight through the fire

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting
And I find you waiting there for me

Waiting, I find you waiting there
I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent through the fire
I've been in the valley when it was dry
Walked through the desert to the other side

I'm not a preacher and I'm not a hero
My life has never been that kind
But there is one thing that I hold onto
I am yours, and Lord you are mine

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need a friend
And I find you waiting there for me

I've seen a widow cry through her sorrow
And still raise her hands in the midst of it all
And Lord I'm reminded what I was weary
You carried me, yes you carried me

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting there.....

BRIDGE
In the midst of a struggle
There is one thing I know
You'll never leave me, no never alone

I've heard the angels and I've seen the devil
Fought with the lion, sent straight through the fire

CHORUS
And through all these years You have been there
Dried all my tears and answered my prayers
I just want to feel your presence again
I'm down on my knees in need of a friend
And I find you waiting
And I find you waiting there for me

Waiting, I find you waiting there

In the middle of trouble I always know God is there with me and that I have a lot of comfort in.

Getting healthy

2008-11-08T16:47:00.003-06:00

I guess getting healthy can take on all kinds of views and opinions. Today I saw many people I haven't seen in a long time. It made me happy to see people and that they recognized me. Maybe because I was with my Mom or maybe because I was with Buddy. You see sometimes people don't know me unless I'm with Buddy. It's never bothered me because I've always enjoyed being Buddy's wife.
I'm also need to take a healthy look at what I'm dealing with. Lately I've had a lot of upper back pain. At times to the point where I cry. Then I ask God to give me strength to get thru. And sometimes the pain lessens. It doesn't always but I still believe God has given me strength and is always there for me.
My pastor apologized to me that he misunderstood my diagnosis. But later on in the day I thought, I really don't know what my diagnosis is really. I have a tentative diagnosis of a tumor that could be carcinoid cancer but it's could be benign. So what does that really mean?
I guess that I'll find out on Tuesday. When I have a definite diagnosis.
Several weeks ago, or maybe a month ago, I found out a teacher and friend of mine was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had a hysterectomy and is undergoing chemo/radiation. I had gone out and bought cards right away. But got sidetracked with spending time with Bobbie, having him put to sleep and then my surgery, and possible diagnosis. I had remembered about the cards. Do you think I could find them? Nope. So I sent her an e-mail telling her that she and her family were in my prayers. I did find another card to send her but I didn't want to send her just a card.
I have a book of bible verses for encouragement, faith, peace, etc. So I have written several of these verses on index cards. I felt what better encouragement to give her than God's perfect word.
I guess getting healthy has many faces. I just need to stay positive.....

Weeks getting harder and harder

2008-11-04T18:48:00.002-06:00

I still miss my Bobbie especially now. He always took care of me when I was sick or hurting. It's funny how a dog can sense when you don't feel good or are low. I really wish he was here but I know that he so much more happier up in heaven with all my loved ones who have already past.
I continue to keep my positive attitude about having a diagnosis of cancer. I really don't know how else to be. Getting depressed just doesn't seem to help much. I just didn't think I would be dealing with this at this time in my life. In fact re-reading this and seeing the words cancer and me together just seems foreign. But I know it's true.
My upper back has been bothering me. It has for the past 2 weeks now, and I wonder if it's connected. Another question on my list of things to ask.
I've become a member of a carcinoid group. It has good information but I feel like I did when Rick was first dx. with MS. It all sounds so foreign. I'll know more Tuesday when we get the results back from Mayo Clinic.
All I know and I keep reminding myself is that God is in Control. None of this is news to him. He still loves me and is there for me.

Hard week, hard time

2008-10-22T09:22:00.003-05:00

Today I'm giving Bobbie his last bath. The one thing I know he hates. Sorry Bob but I want you soft and nice looking for Friday. Last times for a lot of things I don't want to think about. In about 3 days and he will be gone.
I knew this time was coming but really didn't think I was ready. But there really isn't a "good" time to put a family pet to sleep or even be ready for it. I used to pray for God to take Bobbie in his sleep so we wouldn't have to do that. But I guess this is something we need to do and I know God will be there for us. I know that I'm not the only one in this position. I know that I need to give Bobbie up and let God take care of him. I know we have taken good care of Bobbie. He's been a happy dog. He's our 3rd son. :-)
We've been taken loads of pictures and taken Bob to his favorite places, forest preserve, state park our parents homes. Bought him his favorite foods, he had ice cream yesterday. Today I have a doctors appointment and I'll be bringing him back a plain McDonalds hamburger or maybe a cheeseburger. When he's wanted a treat we've given it to him.
I just don't know what we'll do without him.

Illness

2008-09-20T15:16:00.006-05:00

This past I got a probable diagnosis of sarcoidosis. Even though I haven't had a biopsy yet, I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that I probably have this. I have read on the mayo clinic website that one possible cause could be genetic. Since my Mom has this and my aunt on my Dad's side also has it, I feel it's a given that I probably do too.
This unknown disease that I don't know much about, that is rare, usually hits African-American's. How in the world did I get it? Or any of my relatives for that manner.
Could it be that I don't really have asthma but sarcoidosis all these years? What about my bronchitis that I've had off and on too? Did it affect it? Was it in a dormant state and now just decided to pop up?
The past few months I've been trying to eat healthily, so I could get off some of the medications I've been on. So now what, will I be trading one set of drugs for another? But I will continue to lose weight, 18 pounds so far, because it's more important than ever.
Then I think about how God may be preparing me for all this. First Rick get MS then Mom with leukemia. Am I being sifted? Am I being tested? Because I really feel that I am.
Thenwe have a situation in my family where people are upset and angry. I just wish they would all except people for what they are and go on.
The past is the past, let stay in the past. And go on with life. Be grateful for the relationships that you have.
Then we have our presidential election, where Obama is for socialized medicine. You know Obama and socialized medicine scare me. I have never liked Obama. He doesn't stand for many things that I hold important. Quite frankly the man scares me.
Sigh.....and after all the questions and going thru this thick fog there is God. Knowing what is happening, knowing what I'm going through. Knowing how I feel . Knowing he'll lead me in the right direction and send the right doctors my way. I'll know I'll be safe because.... God is still in Control.

Waiting

2008-09-11T08:25:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm sitting back in the computer room biding my time. Staying away from the kitchen because I can't have anything to eat or drink at least not until 11 or hopefully before that. My cat scan is scheduled for 9:30. At least I'll be leaving in 30 minutes.
Waiting....maybe this is why God has hooked me up with kids that tested my patience. Because I'm going to need patience in the next several days, at least until I find out my results.
But in all honesty, I really don't believe that I have cancer. When all this mess started I had gone on a field trip and got soaked. The doctor believes its viral but to be certain a CT scan has to be done. And with my family's history I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Changes

2008-09-09T08:28:00.007-05:00

Today seems very strange. I have a doctors appointment and will not be going to school/work today. I feel very relieved because finally after 4 months I will be on the road to getting my "normal" voice back. This has been very frustrating especially at work. Trying to get the kids attention with my voice, they just don't hear me. My only concern is that what if this is more serious than I think. Cancer is on both sides of my family so it's a niggling thought in the back of my mind.
Justin my student asked me when I told him I wouldn't be there today said," But who's going to take care of me?" and "Are you coming back?" He is so cute, but trying sometimes. I'm hoping he'll be good for the sub and not try her patience too much.

Also I have lost 11 pounds in almost 6 weeks. So the next 10 pounds is my next goal. I needed to cancel my dietitian appointment because my insurance won't cover and I can't afford to continue to go to her. My doctor knows so I'm pretty sure he'll understand.
I've gone to weight watchers for many years and have put those ideals into practice. I might return, but not right now. I think that I've gone for so many years that I just want to say hey I did it but with a little more help. So maybe this will take the place of the dietitian but, I have 3 online support groups that I belong to so...
Also, another change is that after bowling with my in laws for 17 years we have quit. They raised the bowling fees $10 a week to establish a bigger pot at the end of the year. We just can't afford that so we quit. It wasn't a nice situation. I'm actually looking forwar d to my Sunday's free. When we go to visit my parents we won't need to hurry back. So that will be nice.
Bobbie will be the next big change. He isn't a happy dogger so eventually we will need to put him asleep. We'll miss him terribly but we have given him alot of love that was returned.
Changes some good, some bad and painful but they are a part of life.

Sadness

2008-09-07T11:59:00.003-05:00

As I read some my past e-mails some have filled me with a great sadness. Most if not all my sadness is over the fact that my 2 uncles are at odds along with my cousin.
My Mom's youngest brother got sort of married last Sunday. What I mean by sort of is his fiance's divorce was not final so even though they exchanged vows, they were not officially married. So I've dubbed it "the wedding that wasn't." The ceremony was very beautiful the minister talked about salt and by blending the 2 together you can not tell who's salt was who's, and for the first time in my memory I have seen my uncle happy. They also dedicated the day to my parents who were also married there almost 49 years ago.
It was very emotional when my uncle realized that his brother wasn't there. He had cried, which in turn made both me and my mother cry.
My cousin, my uncle's son was there but he really didn't want to be. And you could tell...he didn't sit with his family. Instead he sat apart. At first I was happy that he was there, but as things progressed I had really wished he had stayed home along with his sister. His attitude and that of his wife made me upset and actually angry.
I am also concerned about my 2 uncle's relationship. I am very afraid this could do permanent damage.
I remember all the past Christmas' and all the happy times we all had...it seems like they are dying.
My grandmother would have gone, she might not of liked the way it was being done but she still would have been there and had a happy joyous spirit.
My Grandmother was the peacekeeper. She always wanted people to be happy, sometimes at the expense of herself. She wouldn't like this.
I want to speak out and say you only have 1 life. You only have 1 brother left and only 1 father. Life is way too short.....But instead I stay silent...
You know I don't agree to the way this all happened, I do wish that they had delayed it until the divorce was final. I don't like the way my uncle has lived his life in the past, but I still love him and try not to judge.
Why can't the rest of the family do this, not judge.
I just pray the God intervenes in all this.

Bobbie Scare

2008-06-27T20:08:00.002-05:00

Today we had a "Bobbie Scare." It started off typically except we had Evan stay overnight with us. Bob went outside did his thing and came in slurped some water and went into the kitchen. When he came out he had his mouth open trying to breathe. He also had all this phlegm. We wiped his face, thumped on his chest, back and called the vet. Couldn't see him until 2:15. Thought we were going to lose him. Buddy with Evan to load engines to the engine show. I stayed back with Bob. He eventually calmed down, started breathing better. By the time Buddy came back to go with me to Bob's appointment, Bobbie was breathing ok and sleeping.

The vet said Bobbie did a reverse sneeze which would explain the gagging and phlegm.

Bobbie has an upper respiratory infection and a heart murmur. Buddy said he told us about the heart murmur last time. I didn't remember that. So, $130 later we had antibiotics, thyroid medicine and shampoo. Bobbie's doing better, sleeping and still snorting around. But acting somewhat normal. Poor Dog.

Some that was my day today. Fun, fun...but at least we still have Bobbie. :-)

Bobbie

2008-06-13T14:17:00.001-05:00

Memories

2008-05-05T20:38:00.003-05:00

You know I have fond memories of many of my relatives. You see, I was the first born grand baby of both of my families. My mom and Daddy were the oldest or next to oldest in moms case of there families. All my aunts and uncles were still in school when I was born. My parents got homesick and went home for the weekends every weekend. So I got loved alot when I was little. I also got to see my great aunts and uncles too and got close to most of family members. My grandmother loved company, and loved to cook. She became special person to everyone that she met. So dinners with her involved extended families most times. It was a very loving atmosphere to grow up in.

Now those dear people are few and far between. There is not many of them left. Grandma died 7 years ago. Followed by my Grandfather on my Dad's side the following July. Then recently my cousin and childhood friend Annie died about a year ago. She was a year younger than me. Soon I'll have to say goodbye to another. But they will always remain in my memories and in my heart.

Decision

2008-04-14T19:37:00.003-05:00

Well, this morning I came to an important decision about the boys and what I should do.

I'm basically not doing anything but praying for them and that God will heal their relationship and it will be better than before.

I have realized that holding on to my anger with Barbara was doing me absolutely no good. In fact it was probably hurting me more than anything. I realized that if I held on to my anger the next time I would see them it would probably come bubbling out. And that would ruin any kind of relationship I would have with her and possible ruin my relationship with Rick. I need to set an example. I know she hasn't been raised having Christ centered beliefs. Rick has but Rick has also dabbled into occult religions also.

So that being said I'm also praying that Barbara sees the good people and overlooks the small things that irk us. That she will have some sympathy for others, not to fly quickly to anger, and have a compromising spirit. Also I'm praying that someone comes into their lives that will lead them back to church.

Also, for Alan to have this forgiving spirit towards Barb.

I know that I probably know too much... but

I still don't like what happened and I didn't want to forgive Barb for what she said and did to Alan but...I did because it would make God happy.

I do feel much better. I know that I can hold a decent conversation with Rick or Barbara and they not know how I felt.

Rick may know how I felt, I really believe that was what made me sick.

But this is all in the past now and I hope it doesn't rear it's ugly head again.

Children problems

2008-04-12T20:19:00.003-05:00

Ihave never before been so torn...

Rick moved out, and left Alan with 2 months rent to pay on his own. All because his girlfriend couldn't live with Alan.

I told Rick it was a mistake to move Barb in with them to live together, that it would have consequences.

Rick has told Alan this past week that he would pay for part of Aprils rent. But I have no idea how he will do it. I want to scream at Barb. Tell her how dare she come between 2 brothers that were so close. How dare she call my son a Pig! You might as well call me and several other people who that I love pigs. I don't keep the cleanest house. I don't have time to clean.

How could Rick do this to his brother? How could he?

The only thing that I know to do is pray and stay away from Rick and Barb because I'm afraid of what I'll say.

All I know is that God has a plan, we just don't know it yet. I know what is meant for evil God can turn into Good. But the thing that pains me the most is the innocent person in all this is Makayla, the precious 1 year old baby. It all makes me want to cry.

Torn between 2 sons

2008-03-30T16:21:00.002-05:00

Have you ever heard that song "Torn between 2 lovers?" Well, I kind of feel that way. I told my Mom that she was lucky to have an only child. That she didn't have to deal with squabbles between 2 children. Now I'm use to Alan and Rick fighting but, this one is by far the worst. Alan calls Rick, hen pecked, that's not exactly what he calls him but it means the same. Barb, Rick's girlfriend in opinion will tell Rick to jump and Rick will ask how hi.
Rick has taken care of Barb and her daughter Makayla. He buys all their food, Makayla's diapers and rent on 2 rooms. He has now taken out a loan for $3000 for a credit card bill that Barb had outstanding. Her Mom was going to do it but also had 2 mortgages out and felt she couldn't do it. But my son could? I'm proud of Rick for being responsible, but the loan I don't understand. He couldn't have traded in his truck and gotten a loan for a better, newer car. Now, that is on hold at least for 2 years. I'm concerned for the stress that he is under and stress and MS do not get along.
Rick calls Alan a pig. Alan has never picked up after himself very well, he is disorganized, Rick knows all this it has never changed. But now suddenly he's a pig.
Alan has always been Rick's biggest supporter and visa versa. So the thing that has changed is Barb. The things Rick has been saying are coming straight out of Barb's mouth.
So what is a Mother to do.....tell them to mend their fences.

Multiple Sclerosis

2008-03-23T08:49:00.002-05:00

This will be my third year walking for the National MS Society. It will also be over 3 years that Rick has been diagnosed with MS.
My Mom gave me a copy of this story and although he doesn't have to go thru the challenges this woman faces everyday, there is a chance that sometime in his future he could. This story makes really see inside the life of a person with MS.

The Spoons Story
But You Don't Look Sick...
My best friend and I were in the diner talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French Fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spend a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time.
We never got serious about anything in particular and spend most of our time laughing.
As I went to take some of my vitamins with a snack as I usually did, she watched me this time with a kind of start, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have MS and be sick.
I was shocked, not only because she asked the random question but also, I assumed she knew all there was to know about MS. She had come to the doctors with me, seen me getting MRI's, she saw me stumble on sidewalks and have to sit down at a concert.
She carried me out when I couldn't walk another step, what else was there to know?
I started to ramble on about the vitamins and the changes but she didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of MS.
Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no healthy person can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to me…having MS.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least a stall. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself?
How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a person with MS goes through every day with clarity? I could have given up and cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don't try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand?
If I can't explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.
At that moment, the "spoon theory" was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked her in the eyes and said, " Here you go, you have MS." She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons.
The cold metal spoons clanked together as I shoved them into her hands. I explained that the difference between having MS and being healthy is having to make choices, or to think consciously about things when the rest of the world doesn't have to.
The healthy have the luxury of choice, a gift most people take for granted. Most people start the day with an unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people.
For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to take away, since most people who get MS feel the "loss" of a life they once knew.
If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case MS, in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn't understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time. Little did she know how serious the game would become?I asked her to count the spoons.
She asked why, and I explained that the spoons represented units of energy and when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of "spoons." But when you have MS and you have to plan your day, you need to know exactly how many "spoons" you are starting with.
It doesn't guarantee you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started the game yet. I've wanted more "spoons" for years and haven't found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has MS.
I asked her to list off her day, including the most simple tasks. As she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said, "no, you don't just get up.
You have to crack your eyes open and then realize you are late. You didn't sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and you have to make yourself something to eat before you do anything else because you have to take your vitamins and have energy for the day and if not you might as well give up on spoons for the whole day!"
I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn't even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her another spoon, just washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching too high or low, or having the shower water too hot and choosing to blow dry her hair would have cost more than one spoon but I didn't want to scare her too much in the beginning.
Getting dressed is worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every detail needs to be thought about. You have to see what clothes you can physically put on, what shoes are going to be appropriate for the days walking requirements, if pain or spacticity is a problem, buttons are out. If I have bruising from my medication, long sleeves might be in order.
You cannot simply throw clothes on when you have MS…its just not that easy.I think she started to understand when she theoretically didn't even get to work yet and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your "spoons" are gone, they are gone.
Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow's "spoons" but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who has MS lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a fever comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could prove disabling.
So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn't want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of the real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing on her computer for too long. She was forced to make choices and to think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had two spoons left. If she cooked, she wouldn't have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out to dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely without having blurred vision or forgetting to turn her lights on.
So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores but you can't do it all. I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn't want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think maybe finally someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly, "Christine, how do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?" I answered that some days were worse than others , some days I have more spoons than most.
But I can never make it go away and I can't ever for a minute forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding on reserve. I said simply, "I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve, you need to always be prepared."
It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not to do everything. I fight this very day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel the frustration. I wanted her to understand that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one.
I need to think about the weather and my own body before I can attack any one thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between having a chronic illness and being healthy.
It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count my "spoons."
After we were emotional and talked about this for a while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug and we walked out of the diner.
I had one spoon in my hand and I said, "Don't worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste every day? I don't have room to waste spoons and I choose to spend this time with you."
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do.
Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they look at their own life a little differently. I think it isn't just good for understanding MS, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don't take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the words, every time I do anything.
It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons...

If this story touched you please consider getting involved in someway. Just go to my website and following the links that interest you.
http://www.msillinois.org/site/TR/Events/MSWalk2008?px=1370814&pg=personal&fr_id=1190

Saddened and Sickened by this

2008-02-20T20:06:00.002-06:00

I know fortunately this hasn't been widely publicized but I did have to comment on the picketing of the memorial services that have been held for the students that were killed last Thursday at NIU.
The Westboro Baptist Church members have been picketing with signs that say that the students deserved to be killed, that they are in hell and the God hates Fags.
This saddens me because these are already grieving and these misguided people are adding to their grief.
Also, it sends out the message that God hates gays. Which sickens me and angers me.
But I know that my God is a God of love. My God loves Gays. My God is LOVE!!!
He defined love, is love and showers his people with love.

School Drama

2008-02-09T17:34:00.000-06:00

You know when I moved from the middle school to an elementary school I thought the drama would be in the past. I was wrong.
Our principal has been at a 3 day conference and hasn't been at school. The assistants have weekly Friday meetings with her. An e-mail was sent out by our principal for the assistants, but was mailed to the whole staff. Something I had an issue about. Not a big one but still....
The e-mail was about complaints that have been reported to her by someone, who knows who, about things that she doesn't feel we are accomplishing and also to change the meeting to Monday. Then another e-mail was sent out, to the whole staff again just for the assistants again. And again someone had told her that we (assistants) thought the meeting was going to be a yelling session. Which we don't.
We have met as a group and are having some of our concerns voiced to her in a non-threatening way by our building union rep.
I have no idea what will happen on Monday. But the one thing I'm grateful for is communication between a good group of assistants and a principal that also communicates with her staff.
I really like the people that I work with so I pray that things will be taken the way they will be conveyed.

Catching up

2008-02-06T15:58:00.000-06:00

Boy I didn't know that it's been a month since I last posted.
With yesterday's primary elections the impending presidential election has me concerned. The democratic party does not represent me or my strong christian beliefs. It hasn't for awhile. They have gone so far in their socialistic opinions that has me scared for my country and the people in it. Their egotistical attitude along with the news media appalls me.
I don't watch the news at all anymore. The are biased and they don't state the facts. Our country has moved so far away from the biblical principles that it was founded on. It's so sad.
The republican candidate that I did vote for didn't win our state and second doesn't count. So I'm uncertain who I'll vote for if anyone for president.
Enough of that...
The best thing of the election is the referendum for Dekalb schools passed! After 4 maybe 5 tries and I think at least 7 years since the last referendum the voters passed the referendum.
I was surprised because they asked for the more money than the other proposals.
They will be building a new high school, refurbishing the old high school and Huntley middle school. Huntley middle school will move to the old high school and Chesebro elementary will move into the old Huntley MS.
Chesebro will then be a Pre-K early childhood building.
Cortland Elementary, the school where I work will be getting a new school! This was so needed. Cortland is a very old building that has been added on to quite a few years ago, but if the referendum hadn't passed we would had music, art and the library on wheels or on a cart. Art is on a cart now and resource now is in a hallway and we work with kids in the hallway. So classes have no doors, like the MH room. We are literally busting at the seams. Plus we have a student in a wheelchair with no elevator.
So to have a new building in our future will be so nice. 2 years from now. Having room will great. I've never worked in a new building before. I'm not sure the other things that will be happening to other schools but I know they are crowded too.
Besides not having to drive in the snow this an added bonus.
The snow is here and I'll be spending the rest of the day with Bobbie, who doesn't like the snow.
Or the wind or the cold. I think it comes with age because I don't like all that either.

That's what life brings right now. Plus the Bud Shoot out is in 3 days, Daytona is in 10! Whoohoo! Finally Nascar will be coming back.

Resolutions

2008-01-06T20:21:00.000-06:00

I am once again making my new years resolutions.
Losing weight has always been my resolution for the past 15 years. I've tried and tried and I'll keep trying until I lose my weight.
I'm not healthy. I have high blood pressure, acid reflux asthma and in the past several years have suspected that I have fibromyalgia. The sharp stabbing pains I have just have been a lot to deal with lately. And I'm tired of them.
So I'm making the resolution to get healthy, again. I have too.

My second resolution is to stay in touch with my cousins. For most of them it will be easy to do but there are 2 that I have issues with.
My cousin is my uncles daughter. Mom and Dad are divorced. After the divorce Angie's Mom got very nasty towards my family. Making snide comments about my uncle and trashing my family name. Angie follows in her mom's footsteps. At her graduation and her wedding she completely ignored the family, my family. She did it in a way that it was very obvious and hurtful. She does things and did things that were very hurtful to my family and my grandmother. When my son diagnosed with MS neither she nor her brother showed concern nor asked about Rick. When my Mom was diagnosed with leukemia again they never called her. They live 15 minutes away.Where my other cousins who live in Texas and California called my Mom and sent cards.
It's hard because I have so much animosity towards them, especially Angie, but yet I know I'm suppose to ignore my feelings because it's pleasing to God. So I sent both a Christmas card in it a Christmas letter with request of their e-mail addresses. Telling both I want to keep in better touch. We'll see......
My third resolution is to be a better christian. To outreach to others and my family. To set an example of what a christian is. I want people to see how I live my life and want what I have it.
These are the resolutions I'm going to strive to accomplish.

Endings and Beginnings

2007-11-10T18:04:00.000-06:00

This week was full of emotion, happiness, sadness and anger.

Today was the last week at the school I've been at for the last 6 years. I've made many, many friends here and have gone to care about the middle school kids. That did take a bit they do tend to have a certain attitude but I adjusted to it.

The last day the 8th grade team had cake and bagels for me. There was tears and laughter and it all too soon ended.
Then my cooperative teacher had a meeting, one in which she made one of my friends a scapegoat for things she couldn't cope with. Then to top that I was to have a exiting interview with my principal I set a time but that didn't work so he told me he would come up to get me and then we could do it. He blew me off. So I had the interview with the assistant principal. There is a power struggle between the 2. Our assistant principal is new and not the one the our principal preferred.

I had several issues that concerned me, including some books that I think my cooperative teacher has taken. Newly purchased books.

So I left the school feeling angry and happy that I was leaving.

I really feel that God was getting out of the middle of a situation that could really hurt me. I've been in that position and have gotten burned for it.

The next day, Friday was my first day at the grade school. It was an institute day so there were no kids. I think I'm really going to like my new job home. It's much smaller so I don't think it'll take long to get to know the building. I'll be working with a 3rd, 4th, and a kinder. 4th grade is in the mobiles. The staff is friendly and the principal is extremely supportive. I do wish that I could have taken a couple of my friends there but.....maybe in the future.

A Commentary

2007-10-25T20:08:00.001-05:00

My Dad sent this to me, I just felt it needed to be heard by more than my e-mail list. Enjoy.

A lot of truth in this

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in. My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Too good to be true?

2007-10-20T16:38:00.000-05:00

I have always believed in prayer. I believe God hears my prayers and answers them maybe not the way I would like them to be answered but he does answer them.
When Rick was diagnosed with MS, my faith I believe wasn't shaken. I never blamed God but I did go to God for my strength. Thru this I discovered that I wasn't trusting God like I thought and have learned to trust for anything. I still need work, I still need to improve, I still need to believe. My mom told me today that she went to an MS support group meeting recently and found out that by the year 2010 they will have ablitherated MS!
I'm happy but why am I doubting? Where's my faith? I prayed for a cure like so many others. Others for longer than I have, so why am I not believing. I trust God, I believe this great and awesome news!
Maybe because it's not in my timeframe, I thought it would take longer. I've always been told and thought we found out about Rick and MS at a good time.
I do believe in answered prayers.

Dealing with storms

2007-10-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

The last 2 posts I made have been things that have touched my life, made a difference in how I thought about living my life. I felt maybe typing them completely out I would help someone else. So that being said I hope I touch someone elses life by what I write next.
I have read, watched, and listened to many different things that have changed me, but all have helped in how I deal with storms in my life. I have realized I didn't really know how to deal with storms. That God was in control and he watches over me constantly. God can be nothing more than love. He just doesn't know how to be anything else.
A situation made a drastic change in my personality when I was a young girl. I was molested by a family friend, when I was 8 yrs old.
I was an outgoing girl who sang for anyone. That outgoing little girl became a shy, inward girl. Books were my best friend which helped that my mom was a librarian. Now I'm not saying I didn't have friends but I know my shyness didn't help me in getting new friends, better friends. The friends that I did have didn't made me feel very smart so anything that I thought I would like to do with my life, I didn't feel I was smart enough to do.
Now that I'm older and have had to deal with storms I know that I am smart. I have a job that I just love. Now, I'm trying to find that outgoing girl who loved to sing in front of people.
Which is why lately I'm facing a fear of getting up in front of people, by myself.
I've always was in chorus and choir. Getting in front of people in a group was ok but getting up in front of people by myself I stayed away from.
I'm hoping that in getting in front of others this way I will be able to sing again.
Like it says in the Bible: I can do all things thru Christ that strengthens me!

Stop asking 2 questions

2007-10-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

Stop asking 2 questions by Phil Cooke
I've beome a virtual Jedi-Knight right out of Star Wars when it comes to email. I've learned to receive email on my computer or cell phone through wireless networks, cell phone links, or I can get it off any other computer anywhere in the world. When it comes to email, I'm really never out of touch. And I was very proud of myself until the thought occurred to me that when I get to heaven, Jesus isn't going to pat me on the back and say, "Hey Phil, great job on the email." I rather think He's going to ask me whether or not I accomplished my calling and assignment during my lifetime.
That's when I started thinking abou the difference between what we think is urgent and what really matters. Our lives are filled with things other people think are urgent--things like phone calls, voice mail, email, faxes, overnight deliveries--all kinds of appointments, activities, schedules, work, and more.
But how often do we stop to think about what really matters in our lives?
When it comes to being "slaves of the urgent," there are 2 questions we ask ourselves way too often:
1) How much will it cost?
2) When will it be ready?
We've let our lives be controlled by money and schedules, and we've forgotten about dreams and visions.
I sat on an airplane not long ago next to a woman who looked like she was about 40 yrs. old. When she discovered I worked in the TV industry she got really excited and told me the following story:
"When I was in high school, I was the best actor in our drama department. I starred in all our school plays and really loved it, so I naturally decided acting was what I wanted to study in college. My parents were very supportive, so they drove me to a number of universities so we could take a look at their drama departments. It was all very exciting. But after a few visits, I realized that most actors study drama in college for 4 years, then go on the graduate school, and most continue taking classes thoughtout their lives. And when I added it up, it seemed like that would take a really long time and cost a lot of money. Between the expense, and the length of time it would take, I finally decided it was just too much, so I stopped acting."
She wiped a small tear from her eye and said, "That was almost 20 yrs. ago, Today, I'm a credit manager at a used car lot in California, and every single day I wake up and realize that decision to stop acting was the worst decison of my life. I gave up on my dream because I thought it would take too long and be too expensive. Today, I would pay any amount of money or wait as long as it took if I could only make that decision over again. But now it's too late, and I'll never achieve my dream."
She turned, a little embarrassed, and looked out the window realizing that she had considered the cost and how long it would take, she had made a short-term decision. Unfortunately, it left her without long-term satisfaction.
Someone once asked me, "Is what you're living for worth Jesus dying for?"
If it's not, have you considered that it may not be too late for your to start moving toward the dream that God put in your heart? You might think, like the woman on the plane, that you've missed your opportunity. But perhaps there's still time in your life to change course. You may want to think again, and ask God to help restore, in you, His dreams and visions for your.

A meek and quiet spirit

2007-10-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

This past week in my devotional has been devoted to being a good wife. Now I've been married quite a few years and thought I was doing good. But like everything in my life I know I can always learn more. That is what I did.
The last day of this devotion was about "What is a meek and quiet spirit" and the author wrote about a meeting he was a part of in Kiev. After the morning meeting a large table was set outside on the driveway where all the special guests were seated so they could be served Ukrainian borsch for lunch.
He noticed that an elderly woman, about 75 yrs. old, was the primary person serving lunch to them that day. As she passed by him, he looked into her face and saw the deep wrinkles that testified to a very hard life. This was a woman who had faced many intense challenges in the course of her life.
Yet when he looked into her eyes, he could see that this was a woman who was very strong in spirit. Although it was evident that she had lived a hard and difficult life, it was also evident that she had never been broken by hardship. The look in her faded blue eyes gripped him, for those eyes seemed to literally radiate life from within her.
He watched with amazement at the way this elderly woman carried bowls of borsch to this person, then to that person, and then to the next. It was obvious that she was delighted to serve the pastors who sat around the table. The tender smile that graced her face and the sweet spirit with which she served captivated my attnetion. As he kept watching her, he thought to himself, This woman must be one of the most beautiful and grace ful women he'd ever met in his life.
Finally, he turned to the elderly pastor sitting next to me, and asked, "Who is that woman?"
He looked at him with a sparkle in his eye and glowingly said, "That's my wife."
During the Soviet years, this pastor had been arrested and sentenced to 15 years of prison because of his faith. While he was in prison, his wife had been completely responsible for rearing and providing for their 15 children. As he told him their story, he began to understand why she had such deep wrinkles--a sign of the many hardships she had faced while her husband had been in prison.
Despite her wrinkles and gray hair, this woman's indomitable spirit shone through and was evident for all to see. This was a woman who had lived a godly life. This was no weak woman, but a very strong and very capable woman.
He continued to watch the pastor's wife aas she kept serving the men around the table, smiling graciously as she refilled empty bowls with more borsch. As he oberved her stong but gentle spirit, He thought of Peter's words to woment in 1st Peter 3:3, 4. Whose adorning let it not be the outword adoring of plaiting of the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on the apparel; but let it be tht hidden man ofthe heart, in the which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
He goes on the say later that meek woman is not weak, timid or soft-spoken. The work "meek" is the Greek word praus, a word that describes the attitude of one who is friendly, warm, forbearing, patient, kind and gentle. Although a meek person faces opportunities to react in anger or to get upset, he aor she has chosen to be controlled, forgiving, and gentle. So, "meek" people are individuals who have become skilled at controlling themselves and their temperament. You might say that meekness is power under control.
God highly values a woman who becomes this kind of strong, steady force in the home.
This is the type of person I want to be one that keeps from outbursts of anger, is not offended by comments made by uncaring people. Keeping my temper and remaining calm when storms come.
I may not be able to do this all the time, but I'm sure going to try.

exerpt taken from Sparkling Gems by Rick Renner pp 753,754.

Mojpoj

2007-10-06T15:50:00.000-05:00

Ok I may not of spelled this right but in all truth this post will be that. A very emotional topic has been brought up especially when it concerns healthcare.
It's my belief that government should not fund it. Yes, I know there are many good federal insurance helps out there. But I feel the private sector should be the ones funding it. Especially those in entertainment. I really wish the church was in the position to do this because in my heart I feel the church needs to be involved. But I don't think that will happen. I'm scared of "big" government. I'm scared of this next election some of the people that are running are for a more socialistic government. I feel God is moving away from our great country because so much of today's politics is so un-God like. Nothing that our forefathers wanted. I'm not for a war, especially one we can't win. We can't win this one because our congress won't fund this so we could have won it and never did.
Ok enough on that......
This week is a happy week. My cousin Maki is a new Mommy and I pray for their she her husband Ray and little Joshua's safe return. I also got a card from her sister Jamie with her little babies pictures, Presley Kiyoko. This week was unusual because I wasn't in my normal classroom 2 out of the 5 days because I got pulled to cover another student. Which was fun.
This next week I'll only have 3 days of work. I have a dr. appt. because my hand has been giving me fits for awhile but now it's hard to type, write or anything else with my right hand without it hurting. I'm concerned because of the underlining issues with family. Mom with Raynaud's, Rick with both carpal tunnel and MS. So I'm hoping its old fashioned arthritus. We'll see on tues.
Mom and Dad will be leaving tomorrow to find out more about her Sarcoid condition and will be in MN for 3-6 days. At least they will have pretty countryside to drive thru.
must close can't really type more.

Jesus on the beach

2007-09-21T19:44:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent this to me in an e-mail but the pictures didn't come up. I was so disappointed. So I googled it and found them! The are so good I needed to share them.
Here's the link to the site.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_aug2006/JesusOnTheBeach.htm

Drama

2007-09-02T20:59:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's way too early in the year to start this. But it's happening anyway and unfortunately I'm in the middle of it. But desparately trying to stay out of it.
The teacher I work with shares students with another resource teacher in the 8th grade. She, the teacher I work with, has been known to have an abrasive attitude and can talk down to other adults. I've witnessed this behavior already this year.
Well, there was a language arts test that was adapted by the other teacher, a teacher by the way has been in the district for many years. It wasn't adapted quite the way my teacher wanted it, so she adapted it and said this would be the test to go with.
There was a blow up that next morning and it was decided by the principal to go with the other teachers test.
So what does my teacher do but tell the kids in our direct instruction class that if they don't do well that they can do her test and see if they do better! *sigh*

Like I said it's way too early for this. We've only had 1 full week of school. Every morning I've been praying that God keeps me out of the middle and out of harms way. I also pray for my teacher to talk in a respectful manner and to keep me out of a situation where there is a confrontation. I hate confrontations! I really want to do well this year and have been given a good opportunity to learn something new. So I'm depending on God to keep me safe.

The 8th grade team is a great group of teachers that I really like. Unfortunately the teacher that I work with has not developed a good relationship with them so.. Thats why I'm really dependent on God to see me thru this and I know he has a good plan. My prayer is that everyone just get along for the kids sake. So it could be a fun year.
God's peace is much needed this year. :-)

I was made to love

2007-08-29T19:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had forgotten that I was made to love.
There is a situation in our building were there are 2 assistants, sisters who are my friends. They were placed in the MH (multihandicapped) room. It ended up where only one could be there and there really isn't a position for the other one.
The sister that place in the MH room is very upset, crying etc. And the other one is still here doing not a whole lot and getting paid for it.
This appalled me and I was mad, resentful and bitter!
1st I came from the MH room and those are the most loving children you could ever work with. and 2 I know of positions open in the district where a child could benefit from these 2 wonderful sisters but they don't want change, they don't want to leave, they want their own way!
Yea I mad and I was yelling at God because I felt this way and I didn't want to. And he told me, yes I believe God talks to me, "Dawn, I'm in control. "
Well, I was taken aback, because that has been my matra since Rick was diagnosed with MS. God is in Control. I asked God for forgiveness. All that bitterness and resentment went away. Of course, this morning when I read my daily devotional it was about offense and to let go of bitterness. :-)
And I thought ok God it's done whatever happens You are in Control. And I'm going to love them because I was made to love. The bitterness and resentment is truly gone.
I love the lyrics to this song, Made to love by TobyMac.

TobyMac° Made To Love °
The dream is fading now I’m staring at the door
I know it’s over ‘cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain’t feeling what I see
Its no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget …
That I was made to love You
I was made to find You
I was made just for You
Made to adore You
I was made to love and be loved by You
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said You’d keep me never would You leave me
I was made to love And be loved by You
The dream’s alive with my eyes open wide
Back in the ring
You got me swingin’ for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin’ vapors on my dreams
But I still believe …
I’m reaching out, reachin’ up, reachin’ over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And Daddy I’m on my way …
Anything, I would give up for You
Everything, I’d give it all away

The Storm

2007-08-24T08:11:00.000-05:00

Well today was the first full day of school and it started out with a bang or maybe I should say a BOOM!
I can mark off on things that I have experienced going thru in my lifetime, a tornado lock down at school. We got the notice that a severe thunderstorm was headed right our way just before we dismissed the kids. So it decided to keep them until the storm past. Then the severe thunderstorm warning turned into a Tornado warning. There was a flash and a big kaboom and the lights went out. 8th grade kids screamed, and then our emergency lights came on. Not room lights but lights in halls. Boy, what fun!
The kids were good. I was in the classroom with 5 kids and my teacher, Julie. On the other side of the door was 8th grade science. I think that is the quietest I've heard those kids in 3 years.
The buses were here already and we also have a bus that drops off kids from St. Mary's. So they came into the building to safety.
We held the kids for about 45 minutes, then dismissed them. They had to run thru the ran and lightening.
Oh did I mention that I'm scared of thunderstorms and especially tornadoes.
Fun ending to the day.
We are all safe and sound. Alan was home and Rick was at work.
Julie's son was dismissed from school, why? I don't know. She lives in Geneva and she was afraid that if the power went out her son would have no way to get into the house because he enters thru the garage door. But she did get in touch with him, he had told her that it was a BIG storm and that he was scared. She told him, that he could get something to eat and the 2 dogs, they have 1 german shepard and a lab/german shepard mix, and go down to the basement where he was safe. But that had to be very hard for her.

But all were fine no one was hurt.
Since there is so much rain/water that we didn't have school today. Funny using a snowday for rain. But I'm relieved that I didn't need to go anywhere.
We are soggy but pretty dry considering. A little bit of water in the basement but it's ok.

Just looking forward to the day off.

Accident

2007-08-16T09:16:00.000-05:00

Last Tuesday the 14th, there was terrible accident claiming the life of kindergarten teacher Marion Beguin. She was a teacher at Wright Elementary in the school district where I work and know many teachers that she worked with. She and her daughter, Kathryn, were on their way home from setting up her classroom, her daughter was driving. They were crossing an intersection where a semi truck ran the red light and hit the passenger side of the car.
This has affected me a lot. I didn't know Marion I do know Tracy Paszotta the other teacher that taught kindergarten at Wright. This will have a profound effect on that staff but also the staff at Jefferson Elementary where she also taught.
My prayer goes out to her family, friends and especially her daughter, for strength, peace, forgiveness and love.

"Cry Out To Jesus" Third Day
To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus,
Cry out to Jesus

Vacation

2007-08-10T18:25:00.000-05:00

Well we have been on vacation this week. Thought I would update my blog while I got the chance. Vacation for the past several years has been spent at my parents home. We bring our popup and camp beside their house. Mom and Daddy live in a wooded community in the country. It's really pretty. We go here because we can afford it and we like spending time with my parents. We see all kinds of wildlife including wild turkey, squirrel, chipmunks and of course deer. They have 3 fawns and their moms, aunts or babysitters with them, when they walk thru my parents lots. A couple of days ago I got a picture of 2 of the fawns. A first for me. I've been trying to get pictures of the deer for awhile, about 5 years or more. We always hate leaving and put it off for as long as we can.
I feel very lucky to have such a good relationship with both of my parents and my inlaws. Not many people can say that. I just feel we need to get along with each other regardless of differences of opinions. Life is too short. I gotten to see people this week, see animals and spend time with people we love.
We went camping when I was growing up. And I got to see many many things. The beautiful mountains in colorado, canada. the grand tetons Mt. Rainier probably Mt St. Helens before it blew its top the first time. Old Faithful and the plains. I haven't been on the east coast and calf. new mexico and nevada. Sometime I will. I've realized this week how much I've missed going camping. Must make that a priority for this fall. Love vacation.

Memories

2007-07-14T21:12:00.000-05:00

Ok I would be remiss not to blog on my birthday.
Today was a really nice day although most of my days are nice days. I spent a quiet day turning 47 and really don't feel that age. We went bowling saw Rick got presents watched Buddy fix the tire. We picked up a building screw somewhere came home and had pizza watched TV.
Last night Buddy and I were remembering cartoons and kids shows that involved puppets. Shows like Captain Kangaroo, BJ and Dirty Dragon and the Blob, Garfield Goose and when you mention Garfield Goose you have to say Frazier Thomas and Family Classics. Then you have Ray Raynor and Bozo's Circus. I remember I got to watch Bozo and then go take my nap. Bozo was on at noon then not in the morning when they had it for my kids.
Then we talked about the new Underdog movie coming out. Underdog was one of my favorite cartoons and that brought on a discussion about series cartoons with Bullwinkle and Rocky the Squirrel and so on.
"Oh where, Oh where has my Underdog gone? Oh where, oh where can he be?" Come Sweetpolly he's in a phone booth trying to change from Shoeshine Boy to Underdog.
Oh memories, you've got to love them!

Reflection

2007-07-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

This past week has been very hard. I've been sick for most of the week with some kind of strand of the flu. I didn't realize how much I loved being outside until the other day. It was so nice out and I went outside. I pulled weeds, probably not the best thing for me to do but, you must understand I haven't been able to go outside to do yardwork since...April. My asthma or whatever I've got is keeping me from it. So I pulled weeds and today I paid for it.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I've been reflective of things I haven't done in my life and haven't done this summer. My health isn't what it should be and I hate being inside all the time. But I'm losing weight a little bit at a time and hopefully by winter I'll have it half way gone. It's my goal to get healthy and not spend next summer inside! So Happy Birthday to Me!

Parade

2007-06-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

Well, today was the parade. Buddy is always in it. The last few years he has borrowed a tractor and a hay wagon from a friend. This year he put the Witte Log Saw on the hay wagon. It was a challenge and he almost didn't get it on the hay wagon from his trailer. I did ask him if he missed Rick. And he said Yes!!! Rick always helped him load the engines on the trailer and the last several years he's been Rickless. But like I said he did get it on, took him 4 tries and some praying on my part, but he got it on. He got up early this morning and got it decorated.
Evan and my father in law were on the float and Buddy's Uncle Allen was on his International Picker. Evan has decided he loves spending time with Uncle Bud. Last weekend he spent alot of time with Buddy at the engine show. He kept an eye on him for me because I couldn't go. So it was good.
But I'm getting sidetracked.
Buddy did get 2nd place on best 4th of July theme on the float. Buddy's gotten 2-2nd places and a 1st place. But he doesn't do it for the trophies he does it for the fun of being in the parade.
I got to spend some time with my family. I chanced being outside more today, I hope I don't spend my night coughing but if I do it was worth it to be able to spend time with my family. I pray it's just my asthma being abnormal and not something more.
The other thing is I can't believe June is almost gone. There are so many things I want to do this summer, I guess if I run out of summer it will need to be done in the some other time.
This was a good day. God is Good and God never changes.

Today

2007-06-26T20:46:00.000-05:00

Ok I changed the blog title. Murmurs is defined as : to remain, to stay overnight, to stay permanently. I don't want to stay in one place permanently. I won't achieve any of my goals I have. So I changed it. Also the Isrealites murmured alot and look what happened to them! They wandered around in the wilderness for 40 years on a trip that was suppose to take 11 days!! All because they murmured!!! I don't want to murmur, I've circled that mountain one tooo many times. So I'm talking instead.
Ok I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and I loss 5 pounds! I close to getting back to my starting weight! Whoohoo! Starting weight was in January. Actually I want to lose at least 20 pounds before school starts and with that 5 I just may do it. With the help of walking with Leslie Sansone. I'm finally starting to see something. So to put anything in my mouth after walking my duff off, let's just say I'm watching it. :-)
It's been a good day. Hard night spent coughing a lot. I'm not sure if it's my asthma or what. I just wish God could vaacum all the mucus out of my lungs. I'm so tired of coughing. I did make a dr. appt. but the day I made it my doc went on vacation. So I have one for july 19th. sigh. I can't spend much time outside, so that's why I walk inside. It will get better I just pray that God gives me the strength to get thru it.
Not much going on. Buddy's preparing for the parade. That should be fun.
Have a good one.
Dawn

A year later

2007-06-24T12:59:00.000-05:00

It was a year ago that I finally started the process of getting my life back on track.
When my son was diagnosed with MS I tried to depend on my faith in God, but worry had started to overtake my life and shook that faith. But I really didn't know this until school was out.
I've always said that I come from a line of worriers. My Grandma was a worrier, my Mom is a worrier and I was destined to be one too. But worry was my enemy.
After school let out I had nothing to distract me from focusing on issues that I knew were coming up. Rick's insurance was going to run out and I was scrambling to find someone to insure him. I met with the same response: "Your son has a pre-existing condition and we can't insure him." I came up with the a response too. "You are denying the people who need the insurance the most."
I was always faced with the same response "I'm sorry but that's the companies policy" and "I would say you need to change it!!"
Worry started chipping away at my faith. A faith I thought was strong. I was eating, excessively, not sleeping, not believing there would be a solution. I thought Rick would have to stop taking his medicine and he would start to get worse. I didn't want to see my son become more and more crippled by a fickle disease. I knew the medicine kept him at a remission state. I kept on singing the song "I'll praise you in the storm" by Casting Crowns. I was waiting for God to come in and save the day, to take away Rick's MS, but he didn't. I kept crying to God to help me fix it! But I was met with silence.
I was channel surfing one day, I would surf thru the christian channels so I would hear some kind of positive message when I heard the words, "Worry means you don't trust God!"
Well, that got my attention. The christian speaker was Joyce Meyer and she was teaching on worry. I listened to what she had to say and listened to other teachings. I did order the CD on that teaching and quite a few others that I felt would help me.
When the CD came in the mail I plugged myself in and listened to the message. The words of God became medicine to my soul. A nightly habit formed. I would plug myself in at night and listen to God's words and I would fall asleep. This took a long time but I have come to this conclusion:
I was Mommy trying to fix Rick. Up until this point I've always been able to fix the problems he seemed to get himself into. Fix his scraps when he would fall and help him up. With MS, I found that I can't fix that....
I had to let God fix it, in his time.
I do believe God will heal Rick but, in the meantime I will put my faith and my trust in God. That has grown in leaps and bounds over the past year. I know he is here and he hears and sees everything.
I also believe that if I didn't go thru all of this I wouldn't be able to handle my cousin Annie's ALS and her death. Also my Mom diagnosis of leukemia.
Rick did lose his insurance and the world did not come to an end. We found a wonderful organization that pays for all his medicine, we only pay for the shipping.
I still wonder what is in store for my sons. I see so much potential in both of them, but I believe and pray that God will lead them in all their decisions. I pray that the people that cross their paths will be a positive in their life. That they will have the courage to share their faith and grow in the Lord's love. Also that the continue to grow in their faith.

God is Good. God is Great. God never, ever changes. God is always with me. God loves me and all his children.

Kelly Sutton

2007-06-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

As most of you know I'm a Nascar fan.
Until last year I only watched the cup races and a few Busch but, I started watching the Craftsman Truck races because one of the racers has MS. Better yet she, Kelly Sutton's main sponser is Copaxone. Copaxone is one of the medication that regulates MS and it is the drug that Kelly takes. This also happens to be the same medication that Rick takes.
So I was so excited to see someone who not only had MS, was a female, but also had a MS sponser. I was disappointed when Kelly was in an accident and that took her out of racing for the rest of the season last year and into this year. I even wrote to her concerned that she was alright and explained about Rick, and she wrote me back. So I'm a fan.
Last night I was channel surfing, not a whole lot to watch on Friday night. I haven't been watching the truck races because Kelly hasn't been racing. So I went back to the truck race, for some kind of noise to have on, it was half-way over and I idley watch the standings in the race and I saw Kelly's name!
I tried in vain to find her truck. When you don't run in the top 10 they don't focus a whole lot on the other trucks. One of the things that stinks....
I did find out this morning that Kelly has a 4 race deal and is racing the #51, and I've missed 2 out of the 4 races she was in!
So on Monday I'll be watching the re-play of the race. Hopefully I'll be able to see her!
I'm so happy she's back even for a short time this year.
Dawn

I am so excited!!

2007-06-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm so excited and repeating myself. :-)
I've always been interested in helping children, one of the reasons I'm a TA (teacher's assistant). But I've always felt saddened for the children that fall in that grey area, that can't receive services but really need help.
I attended last week a training on intervention for all children. It was the basics but I really enjoyed it! So I wrote my principal about this. Our school is trying to implement this program and I really want to be a part of that team. Well, he replied and was excited about my interest and that I could be a part of the team and if I wanted could go to any trainings that I wanted, if we get the grant for this program!
For so many years I have always thought administrators and higher ups thought little of my position in the building. That I was worth what ever was on the bottom of their shoes. And I believed that. But recently I have discovered that because I have heard that, over and over, I started to believe it.
But not anymore! I'm an intelligent person, and not a bored, overpaid babysitter that certain school board members have said TA's or paraprofessionals are.
So I'm happy that my principal that I really don't know well, feels that I have self-worth. Mainly because this past year I demonstrated my self-worth and self-confidence. It's nice to be acknowledged.
I'm just going to continue to be me and make myself available for help.

Have a great day!
Dawn

Very Frustrating

2007-06-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

Wasn't I a beautiful baby. :-)
Actually I haven't found a recent picture of myself that I really liked, so I used a baby pic.
Well I've been trying to set up my blog but, my dumb computer keeps exiting out of the window everytime I enter something. So I need to click on my icon and get back to my home page then, go to the website, sign back in and keep on going. I'll need to look and see what I changed recently so it doesn't suddenly get rid of what I'm working on.
Other than that I'm having fun. I have other blogs but this one is fairly easy to use, might get rid of the other 2.
I had a really nice day. Went to talk with our awesome pastor and left feeling very good and hopeful. I'm concerned about my family and the stress we seem to be under. Knowing God will keep us strong and continue to guide our way is always relief.
Have a good one.
Dawn