Why Me? Uggg!

The last couple of days I've been going thru the 'why me' stage. I have been wondering why I have been blessed to have cancer and especially a rare one. Why not one that has a cure, or one where they can operate have chemo and radiation and it's gone. But no I've got one that has no cure and comes back.
It's tough to 'Oh well' this.
I've been reading again the Mitford series by Jan Karon where the main character is an Episcopalian priest. I love this series. Something that Father Tim says in the book I'm reading is, 'Like it or lump it, nothing happened to a Child of God by accident, and scripture inarguably proved that out.' Father Timothy, These High, Green Hills by Jan Karon.
So this all wasn't an accident. God knew this would happen. I feel it was to deepen my faith in God and depend on him. Which both have happened. Also to affect the lives of the people around us.
Also, a friend of ours stopped by to see us. His wife has MS and now her right arm is the only thing she can move. She is home bound in her bed. So sad for one so intelligent and active to have this happen to.
So when I think of her, my pity parties don't last long.
And my positive attitude gets back into place. :-)
I know dwelling on the negative is going to get me no where. So I read God's promises and believe that this cancer will not come back and that it will go away and stay away. It will be for the Glory of God!
I thought I would explain some of the pictures that I have on here this time.
This first is of Bobbie getting blessed this year by Pastor Kirk. Just a month or so before we put him to sleep. The 2nd one is of the bridge, I really think this depicts everyone's life journey because we don't know what the future holds. That's why we need to depend on God. The 3rd is a gift that Pastor Michelle sent me very recently of a prayer shawl. Isn't it pretty.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Day after Surgery

My laser surgery went pretty well. I don't know if I would like to do it again but if it gets rid of a tumor I really don't have any choice.
We were able to take a shuttle back and forth from the hotel to Rush so that was nice.
Things seemed to go really fast.
I guess my main complaint after surgery is that my mouth was really dry and I couldn't really talk to tell them that I would like to have ice chips.
My chest hurt too but that probably was combination of me coughing and the laser surgery.
We were able to leave the same day so we missed driving in the snow and sleet. We left about 3 and got home about 4:40. I slept most of the way home that was after we got on Rt 88. Woke up outside Waterman. I also had a really bad headache when I got home so took some ibuporfen and slept for about an hour. Woke up without the headache.
I can say that I'm feel like I'm breathing better. At least I think I am. I'll have to see when I go up and down the stairs in a few days.
I did eat a popsicle last night and I'm sipping tea this morning.
The thing that hurts today is my throat and my chest and that really isn't that bad. My throat hurt worse yesterday. I've been taking ibuprofen so that helps. They gave me a prescription for pain pills but we didn't fill it. I don't think it's necessary.
Right now I'm kind of tired but that's ok.
There were some differences between Kish and Rush. When I had the bronchoscopy at Kish they numbed the back of the throat. They didn't at Rush. At least I don't think so. I was out before I got to the operating room. I was alone during recovery, they told me that would be for 45 minutes but it may have been longer. At Kish they let Buddy come back when I got back.
The one thing I remember was during recovery there was a little boy crying. I felt badly for him. They had all the beds facing the wall so you couldn't look at anyone. The little one was gone by the time I was able to sit up.
If I had to choose between the 2 I liked Kish better. I had a better experience. The people at both places were nice and compassionate but I just didn't like being separated from Buddy that long. But I probably shouldn't compare.
So that's how I am. Not really that bad. I've felt worse having bronchitus.

Have fun in the snow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8HgAVenbUU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIFOPWHjA6c
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.
~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~

Ok, today I'm impatiently waiting on my phone call. You know the one's you get to confirm your appointment. They said that they would call to tell me what to bring and not to bring. I have looked at the website I have the list of things to bring all packed and ready to go. I just wish they would call!
There is so much riding on tomorrow. More than they have said. I feel he is going to be able to do more than just burning the tumor off/down.
At least that is my prayer. I'm also praying that he will get in and see that it's all gone! That I have no more cancer. Prayers are needed for today and tomorrow.
Today we are driving into Chicago which may be fun. :-)
Tomorrow for me and Buddy but also my parents and everyone else. Mom and Daddy are going to try to come up tomorrow if the weather is ok.
My one sister in law wants the cancer taken out and to fix me. Buddy's told her that there is only one person that can do that.
God is our healer. He can do anything exceedingly abundantly! He is omnipresent and omnipotent!
He is the one I trust and love!

Rush University Hospital

We yesterday Buddy, Mom, Daddy and I went to Rush for my appointment. We were hopeful that we would get some kind of new information and hopefully surgery.
We saw quite a few doctors the first was Dr. Mohamed Farhat. We think he was a physician's assistant but he was a MD. He took looked at my medical history and asked me when all my symptoms started. Fortunately I had things all written down, Buddy suggested this which I thank him for, so I wouldn't need to talk so much.
We then saw Dr. Warren who we discovered was the surgeon. Up till this point we had never met with a surgeon. He told us that we had some options but surgery wasn't possible. But....there are some options. He told us that he could go in with a bronchoscope and burn the tumor down in the windpipe. This will not get rid of the cancer but, it would get airflow back into the right lung. They are afraid that if we don't get movement back into the right lung, secretions could build up. The right lung could get infected. I could develop pneumonia and possibly die.
He also said he may do some other things maybe not this time but another time. He doesn't know exactly what he'll find. He said the scans, CT and Pet are like an aerial view of the area.
So next Thursday,the 18th, we will be going to Rush and I'll be having my tumor burned off.
He did say that with my voice that the tumor or something was pinching the nerve to the vocal cords. He said there were things they could do to strengthen it. I won't be able to sing in the choir and it may never be the same tone. But it would help it a lot. But who knows, with God all things are possible. :-)
He was very nice, very informative and we really liked him.
We then saw Dr. Bonomi the medical oncologist. He agreed with burning the tumor. He talked of a C Kit mutation and a drug called cleevec to control the windpipe, nodules. I'm not certain about all that. I'll have to research that more.
Oh, and we saw a Dr. Kazi the psychologist. She was very nice. Asked about how I was feeling and doing with all of this. She was happy that I had a strong faith and such a strong network of support. She said not many people were as upbeat and positive as I have been at this stage of the process. She told us if we needed any help to contact her.
All 4 doctors were very nice, informative and gave very positive encouragement.
They said since I was so young being diagnosed that my prognosis is very good and that I could live a long a healthy life. The surgeon asked me what grade I taught and I said 1st and he said God bless you. Then Mom said that I was an assistant with special needs child and then he said that we need to get you back to work.
Also they all said I didn't look my age and that I couldn't have kids 28 and 24. So that helped my ego a lot. But Mom and Daddy have never looked their age either.
Please e-mail me if you would like. I love getting e-mails. I always did love getting mail. :-)
God is such a good God. He has sent us so many wonderful doctors and staff. He really is with us and he really does love all of us. This is all for his glory!

It's been a month ago today that I've been diagnosed with ACC. It's been a rollercoaster ride so far, or maybe bumper cars would be a better carnival ride to describe this. But thru all of this I've depended on God for my everything. I'm still here, he's brought us wonderful doctors and people to help us. We are going to Rush today. There is a doctor who thinks he can do surgery. At first I didn't want this because I was afraid to lose my voice. Although I still don't want to lose my voice, I don't want to lose my life more. So if surgery is possible that's the route I will want to go. I'll still need to do Chemotherapy and Radiation but surgery is something else I want.
God is in control, he knows whats going on and he loves me.

I recently got an e-mail from a friend of mine who now lives in the state of Washington. I thought it was so good I would post it here too. Oh and the picture is of my littlest great nephew Jacob. Isn't he cute.

Baby's Hug ~
> We were the only family with children in the restaurant. I sat Erik

> in a high chair and noticed everyone was quietly sitting and talking.

> Suddenly, Erik squealed with glee and said, 'Hi.' He pounded his fat
> baby hands on the high chair tray. His eyes were crinkled in laughter

> and his mouth was bared in a toothless grin, as he wriggled and
> giggled with merriment.
>
> I looked around and saw the source of his merri ment. It was a man
> whose pants were baggy with a zipper at hal f-mast and his toes poked

> out of would-be shoes His shirt was dirty and his hair was uncombed
> and unwashed. His whiskers were too short to be called a beard and his

> nose was so varicose it looked like a road map.
>
> We were too far from him to smell, but I was sure he smelled. His
> hands waved and flapped on loose wrists. 'Hi there, baby; hi there,
> big boy. I see ya, buster,' the man said to Erik.
>
> My husband and I exchanged looks, 'What do we do?'
>
> Erik continued to laugh and answer, 'Hi.'
>
> Everyone in the restaurant noticed and looked at us and then at the
> man. The old geezer was creating a nuisance with my beautiful baby.
> Our meal came and the man began shouting from across the room, 'Do ya

> patty cake ? Do you know peek-a-boo? Hey, look, he knows peek-a-boo.'
>
> Nobody thought the old man was cute. He was obviously drunk.
>
> My husband and I were embarrassed. We ate in silence; all except for

> Erik, who was running through his repertoire for the admiring skid-row

> bum, who in turn, reciprocated with his cute comments.
>
> We finally got through the meal and headed for the door. My husband
> went to pay the check and told me to meet him in the parking lot. The

> old man sat poised between me and the door. 'Lord, just let me out of

> here before he speaks to me or Erik,' I prayed. As I drew closer to
> the man, I turned my back trying to sidestep him and avoid any air he

> might be breathing. As I did, Erik leaned over my arm, reaching with
> both arms in a baby's 'pick-me-up' position. Before I could stop him,

> Erik had propelled himself from my arms to the man.
>
> Suddenly a very old smelly man and a very young baby consummated
> their love and kinship. Erik in an act of total trust, love, and
> submission laid his tiny head upon the man's ragged shoulder. The
> man's eyes closed, and I saw tears hover beneath his lashes. His aged

> hands full of grime, pain, and hard labor, cradled my baby's bottom
> and stroked his back. No two beings have ever loved so deeply for so
> short a time.
>
> I stood awestruck. The old man rocked and cradled Erik in his arms
> and his eyes opened and set squarely on mine. He said in a firm
> commanding voice, 'You take care of this baby.'
>
> Somehow I managed, 'I will,' from a throat that contained a stone.
>
> He pried Erik from his chest, lovingly and longingly, as though he
> were in pain. I received my baby, and the man said, 'God bless you,
> ma'am, you've given me my Christmas gift.'
>
> I said nothing more than a muttered thanks. With Erik in my arms, I
> ran for the car. My husband was wondering why I was crying and holding

> Erik so tightly, and why I was saying, 'My God, my God, forgive me.'
>
> I had just witnessed Christ's love shown through the innocence of a
> tiny child who saw no sin, who made no judgment; a child who saw a
> soul, and a mother who saw a suit of clothes. I was a Christian who
> was blind, holding a child who was not. I felt it was God asking, 'Are

> you willing to share your son for a moment?' when He shared His for
> all eternity.
>
> The ragged old man, unwittingly, had reminded me, 'To enter the
> Kingdom of God , we must become as little children.'
>
> If this has blessed you, please bless others by sending it on.
> Sometimes, it takes a child to remind us of what is really important.

> We must always remember who we are, where we came from and, most
> importantly, how we feel about others. The clothes on your back or the

> car that you drive or the house that you live in does not define you
> at all; it is how you treat your fellow man that identifies who you
> are.
>
> This one is a keeper.
>
> 'It is better to be liked for the true you, than to be loved for who

> people think you are......

Christmas

Christmas is a magical time of year. It was also my Grandmother's favorite holiday. She always made Christmas Special for me. We always went Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve for that last present for either Uncle John or Bruce. Later when everyone arrived we would go to the Candle Light service. I have found out that if I don't go to this service Christmas just isn't Christmas for me. We come back eat and then open presents. In later years we made home made ice cream with Grandma's home made chocolate sauce. She made the Jesus' Birthday cake Which was a round chocolate cake with white icing. 12 red candles and evergreens that surrounded it. We would tell what each thing stood for. Chocolate cake stands for our sins, White icing is Christ's purity that covers our sins. The cake is round because a circle is never-ending. 12 candles for 12 months of the year they were red for Jesus' blood that was shed for us. Evergreens stand for everlasting life. We would lite the candles and we sang happy birthday to Jesus. The next day was Christmas and we would go to my other Grandparents and celebrate all over again. Playing out on the farm, taking walks with the aunts and cousins. Having Grandma's home made rolls and lets not forget the scalloped oysters. :-)
I've realized a long time ago it was family that made things special. I guess if I was spoiled in anyway growing up was the fact that I always saw my grandparents and aunts and uncles every week. Most of my aunts and uncles were still in school when I was a baby. So I got a lot of attention and they always made me feel special and every holiday was extra special.
Family, after God, is the most important thing to me. It's God and my family that I run to when I'm hurting. I've thanked God over and over so I want to thank my family for all their love, support and prayers.
I love you!
Dawn

A Change in Plans

Ok I waited until today to send this because I didn't have an appointment. Yesterday I got a phone call from Dr. Bhate, the radiology oncologist. She was talking to one of her colleagues about me from Rush University Hospital and thought he might be able to do surgery on my trachea. This would mean, I think, less radiation and less chemo. Anything I've read if surgery is possible to go for it.
So next Thurs. the 11th Buddy, I, Mom and Daddy are going to Rush. I'm kind of excited and more hopeful. But if they can't operate that's ok, we'll go back to square one. I know God is here and his plan is there, I'm just going along for the ride. :-)
So pray for a beautiful day, no snow, not much traffic, good directions etc. and that God leads the doctors to where they need to go.
Love to you all,
Buddy and Dawn

~Sometimes God brings things to you because you have the strength thru him to deal with it. ~

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

~All Animals are God's angels, they give to us their unconditional love~.

~A dog has one aim in life...to bestow his heart. J.R. Ackerley~