Sunday, June 24, 2007

A year later

It was a year ago that I finally started the process of getting my life back on track.
When my son was diagnosed with MS I tried to depend on my faith in God, but worry had started to overtake my life and shook that faith. But I really didn't know this until school was out.
I've always said that I come from a line of worriers. My Grandma was a worrier, my Mom is a worrier and I was destined to be one too. But worry was my enemy.
After school let out I had nothing to distract me from focusing on issues that I knew were coming up. Rick's insurance was going to run out and I was scrambling to find someone to insure him. I met with the same response: "Your son has a pre-existing condition and we can't insure him." I came up with the a response too. "You are denying the people who need the insurance the most."
I was always faced with the same response "I'm sorry but that's the companies policy" and "I would say you need to change it!!"
Worry started chipping away at my faith. A faith I thought was strong. I was eating, excessively, not sleeping, not believing there would be a solution. I thought Rick would have to stop taking his medicine and he would start to get worse. I didn't want to see my son become more and more crippled by a fickle disease. I knew the medicine kept him at a remission state. I kept on singing the song "I'll praise you in the storm" by Casting Crowns. I was waiting for God to come in and save the day, to take away Rick's MS, but he didn't. I kept crying to God to help me fix it! But I was met with silence.
I was channel surfing one day, I would surf thru the christian channels so I would hear some kind of positive message when I heard the words, "Worry means you don't trust God!"
Well, that got my attention. The christian speaker was Joyce Meyer and she was teaching on worry. I listened to what she had to say and listened to other teachings. I did order the CD on that teaching and quite a few others that I felt would help me.
When the CD came in the mail I plugged myself in and listened to the message. The words of God became medicine to my soul. A nightly habit formed. I would plug myself in at night and listen to God's words and I would fall asleep. This took a long time but I have come to this conclusion:
I was Mommy trying to fix Rick. Up until this point I've always been able to fix the problems he seemed to get himself into. Fix his scraps when he would fall and help him up. With MS, I found that I can't fix that....
I had to let God fix it, in his time.
I do believe God will heal Rick but, in the meantime I will put my faith and my trust in God. That has grown in leaps and bounds over the past year. I know he is here and he hears and sees everything.
I also believe that if I didn't go thru all of this I wouldn't be able to handle my cousin Annie's ALS and her death. Also my Mom diagnosis of leukemia.
Rick did lose his insurance and the world did not come to an end. We found a wonderful organization that pays for all his medicine, we only pay for the shipping.
I still wonder what is in store for my sons. I see so much potential in both of them, but I believe and pray that God will lead them in all their decisions. I pray that the people that cross their paths will be a positive in their life. That they will have the courage to share their faith and grow in the Lord's love. Also that the continue to grow in their faith.

God is Good. God is Great. God never, ever changes. God is always with me. God loves me and all his children.

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